A random photo blog of Christmas 2017..... mostly feasting .....and the days following ......with my dear family .
And then
when it was all over
and everyone had gone home
to resume their lives
and their loves
the scaffolding of
my busyness
imploded.
And I lay on my bed
my stomach
griping
clutching
twisting
as I let myself
peer into the cosmos
of darkness
below me.
Not daring to let go
to fall
into the empty
nothing
waiting
for me.
This afternoon, the first day of the new year, I walk in blustery, biting wind following the swollen river Exe where it has flooded the playing fields at Duckes Meadow...where the gulls swim between the goal posts.
And I think about feeling sorry for myself.....how I fear it .....self pity....to be accused of indulging my emotions.....to whinge and complain about the unfairness of my loss.....instead of being grateful for all the blessings I still have.
No one is accusing me ....only myself..... and my friends say, Yes indulge in self pity for a while....be sorry for yourself because you are....it's a way to be compassionate to the part of yourself that is railing against fate. The small, frightened, hurt part.
And to feel it, really feel it...to love it....is the way out of it.....the way to undo it.
And who knows.....maybe if I let go ....and let myself fall into the darkness, the nothingness....I could land on a bed of feathers. A bed of angel wings.
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