I Love Being Me

It's the anniversary of our father's death. Six years ago today. My sister and I take flowers to the grave in Honiton.

The wind has blown away the plastic flowers we left there last time.We find them scattered around the other graves and add them to the rose which itself had lost its white china pot to breakage on the journey.

Afterwards - as is our tradition on this anniversary day -  we go and have lunch or tea at the Boston Tea Party.  This time it's an all-day vegetarian breakfast which our father would have enjoyed too.

I think about him a lot and he feels especially close by this evening. I notice that sometimes I ask him in my head...And what would you do in this situation, Pa?

I haven't got to that place yet with Robin...talking to him in my head. I just feel him here ...in the house .....and when I drive to places we used to go....and when I'm with people who knew him....so all the time really.

My parents in 2002

It's Day 5 of  Improving My Self Esteem and the Mirror Exercise is to say

I love and approve of myself  - a hundred times.

I notice I yawn a lot throughout this process which I know is a sign of triggered emotions and feeling uncomfortable about saying something that a part of me doesn't  believe is true.

But really I am trying to have an experience of who I am when I'm not judging myself negatively. Like a baby. A baby doesn't think 

Oh, my arms are too fat

or

I shouldn't make too much noise

or

I'm not good enough.

She doesn't even know how to judge herself. So I love this thought that there was a time when I was totally OK with my body and my emotions and it's the most natural thing in the world to love and accept myself. I already know how to do  it....it just got overlaid with rules and  conditioning....so I can learn to do it again.

And learn to love being me.  With no conditions attached.

How wonderful would that be! How possible would that be!

I love being me.