Fear that I will never love again....

I have hooked up two new bird feeders on hanging basket brackets attached to the fence. One is for fat balls and the other is seeds for small birds - with a perspex cover to stop big birds like pigeons eating it all.

 I have also put down a tray of mixed seeds in a sheltered spot on the lawn for the small ground feeders like robins and sparrows but the pigeons wolf down all the offerings in a day.

And I think the new feeders are too near the house as they haven't been touched.....

all the birds seeming to prefer the familiar safety of the apple tree at the bottom of the garden,

 Day 12

Today's exercise is Overcoming Your Fears

Things like...

 Fear of change.

Fear of intimacy.

Fear of abandonment. 

Fear of illness and old age.

Fear of letting go of the past.

Fear of being alone.

The issue isn't the fear itself ....fear is a lack of trust in loving yourself....it's how much power you give to your fear.

You can't think with fear and love at the same time.

I do the exercise around my fear of abandonment and fear of being alone....acknowledging that the fear is there to protect me in an odd sort of way.....and I can thank it and let it go.

 I'm not sure it's working for me - I can't really get in touch with the effect of this fear on me...but I'm trusting that saying the affirmations in the mirror is landing somewhere in my being.

Talking to my sisters later, I realise that my greatest fear at the moment isn't of being alone.....which

feels more like a fear into the future .....as I actually want, or even need, to be alone quite a lot at this  time - steeped as I am in this singular bowl of grieving.

It's more a fear that I will never love again.

 Or that I will never be loved again.

Not in the irreplaceable, unbounded way that I have been loved.

More like a lake of sorrow than a fear.

A bowl of comfort for my supper tonight.