Encircle her with fearless love.

On Sunday I walk along the beach at Sidmouth where the sea is all sepia toffee and fudge, froth and lace,  coffee and whipped cream.

Day 8 of Louise Hay's Raising Your Self Esteem Course is about embracing your inner child.

Find a photo of yourself when you are about 5 years old.

Look into your eyes.

And what do you see?

Who is this inner child?

I am sitting on my tricycle in the side garden of our house in Maybin Road in Lusaka - when Zambia  was still Northern Rhodesia. I'm probably a bit older than 5 but I was always told I was big for my age. It's Easter Sunday and I'm wearing a new dress, made by my mother and I'm eating a small chocolate Easter egg.

This morning when I look into her eyes in the photo I feel how anxious she is.

She says,

I have to be good.

I have to get big to be seen.

I have to fight for my place.

It's not safe here.

Mummy might leave me.

Later this afternoon with my therapist, I discover some more of her, when she was even younger , maybe 3 years old, trapped in a ball of rage under my right ribs, where a sharp pain is stabbing me, stamping her foot in a shout of 

It's not fair.

And with such gentle support, I find I can hold her, embrace her, as a loving and wise grown up, make the space safe for her to rage and nothing bad will happen, encircle her with fearless love....and tell her I will never leave her.

And slowly the pain eases and I feel her settle.

Tonight I keep her close by, reassuring her as I cook plums and apples and gooseberries -  last summer's bounty that I find in the freezer - and make a crumble topping with ground almonds, oats, walnuts and coconut oil....

reassuring her it's safe to eat sweetness.....and that now I don't have to get big to be seen... and I can love and accept myself exactly the way I am right now.