Healing me heals them....

Saturday - very soggy.

 I drive to Buckfastleigh...stop at the beautiful Buckfast Abbey on the way 

to Dean Forge Showroom.... to buy a wood burner stove for the sitting room.

  I chose one that I had decided on before from the catalogue...had lots of advice from nice sales manager...was about to buy it and saw this one ...changed my mind and ordered it instead. That's the way it is at the moment ....my decision making process is erratic to say the least.

Sunday  - started off soggy but turned into beautiful day.

I walk with lovely group of friends in the damp Somerset countryside.

We all bring lunch to share afterwards. Although I don't eat meat I made this Chicken Cacciatore...Italian  hunters' stew - very rich with tomatoes and herbs, mushrooms and olives. I had to borrow a big Le Creuset casserole dish from a friend  as it was for 15 people.

 I used to have one myself when I cooked quantities of vegetarian stews  - in the days of "Magic Meals" - my veggie catering business. Le Creuset and business both long since gone.

Luckily there was a fab Cranks Moussaka for the vegetarians and

 wonderful desserts  - as well as a brioche pudding and fruit salad there was this cardamon and rose water Middle Eastern cake and a melt in the mouth

blackcurrant tart.  Needless to say I don't  eat supper.

 Today.

The sunrise. It's cold for the first time when I wake up...I  need to find my warm slippers...especially for the quarry tiles on the kitchen floor.

 This afternoon, after my therapy session, I sit on the bench  with a bowl of miso and rice soup,with the constant bubble of the stream behind me...

the sun so warm on my face...

and let it all sink in ...the insights from the session...that I am stronger than I think...that I'm laying the ground to let go of my fear of loss ( which constantly twists my gut) my  fear of being abandoned, all the inherited grief which goes way back into my ancestral heritage. ...that it no longer serves my soul.

And that I have conflated two ideas...I'm without Robin and I'm on my own. I haven't really assimilated the truth that I'm without Robin....I need to do that first before I can contemplate the thought that I am without Robin but it doesn't necessarily mean being on my own. 

 Can't get my head around that yet. So I sit with a new affirmation instead,

" I trust my own inner strength. I trust I can heal."

I can do it for me ...for my nephews and nieces...for future generations.... and for my ancestors....healing me heals them.

And tonight the full moon is as bright

 and white

 and shining

as the shell home

 of a horse chestnut.

Ready to be broken open

like me.