Uncertainty and Grief

 I loved this Garden Photographer of the Year exhibition in the echoey great hall at Barrrington Court on Saturday...

amazing praying mantis on clematis vine tendril...

                                               

an inadvertent selfie with the glorious bees....

I think this won first prize but I prefer the praying mantis....I want to be able to take photos like these and maybe one day I will .....with a better camera and if I could get over my aversion to learning from an instruction booklet and going beyond my current point and shoot method  - relying on a fantastic Leica lens rather than any knowledge of light exposure or technique.

This sweet Robin 

was my garden photograph of the day.

This being a carer to Robin is the hardest thing I've ever done.

Harder than not having babies.

Harder than working three jobs to pay the mortgage.

Harder than watching my parents decline.

A friend says to me,

But there are some good moments aren't there?

Yes, but not enough to balance out the relentless uncertainty and grief. The relentless search through the convoluted maze of what to do for the best - for him, for me.

Today in my Carer's reassessment it seems there may be some money to be applied for - not means tested - for me to have something like a  regular massage or a DVD player or a weekend away. It's called preventing carer breakdown. The government knows how much money carers are saving them by looking after their people at home.

Today my family constellation councillor says if you only identify with suffering you can't see the whole picture. You disown a part of yourself which could be resourceful and powerful  - which could prevent carer breakdown. Probably more effectively than a CD player.  But I'm willing to try anything.

I heard Robin coughing just now in the sitting room.  Earlier I made him a cup of tea and a plate of biscuits. I go downstairs and check on him. Last week our friend who took him out said he choked  on a flapjack when they were in a cafe and it was quite alarming. I've noticed  recently he coughs more when he's eating. I think it may have something to do with his swallowing. I know the consultant said this motor nerve condition can also affect the nerves in the neck and therefore his swallowing. Something to watch out for. Something to worry about.

More uncertainty and grief.

Angel by the lake at Bovey Castle.