Little Wave of Letting Go, Emergency and Rainy Day

 I feel so blessed by the song of this sweet  Robin redbreast  at Killerton the other evening - Robin  calls them his cousins..

This morning I visit a lovely woman cranio-sacral therapist. I lie on her massage table and she puts her  hands on my feet, the small of my back, my shoulder. She makes tiny imperceptible gentle movements, feeling into my tissues. I fall asleep and wake myself up by snoring.

Afterwards she says she can feel all the exhaustion, all the holding on in my body, tight and rigid like someone petrified in stone. And some clenching in my jaw( which I'm not conscious of) which might be the cause of the stiffness in my neck and shoulder. She says I'm starting to let go in little imperceptible waves and  that my resources to recover are all there underneath.

I drive home feeling washed out and sad. Robin is still out with nice woman from the not-walking group driving up and down narrow Devon lanes I'm guessing.

My lovely CPN arrives soon after and she says two things which help.  Firstly, when I say I'm always struggling to do the right thing by Robin, looking for someone to tell me what I should be doing next, especially as I think his condition is getting worse quite rapidly, she says you are already doing the right things and there isn't really anything else to do....just keep looking after him.

 But I should get in touch with the Speech and Language therapist and ask for a review about his swallowing and breathing. And call 999 if there was an emergency. Common sense really  - cutting through my what ifs? like a fresh breeze.

Secondly she says spend the rainy day money on respite. The rainy day is already here. I was earmarking it for Robin's possible long term care. But there will never be enough for that anyway. So tonight I have a good  conversation with Robin's lovely one to-one carer at The Mede and we start to make a plan.

I also phone the speech and language therapist. She says she'll put Robin on the emergency list which already has 5 people on it and she'll ring about an appointment at the end of next week. So I'll rely on 999 in a real emergency then.

I notice as I'm cleaning the bath tonight that my right shoulder isn't so painful. Maybe the first little wave of letting go is working.