No Time To Say Goodbye

Wandering along sunlit grassy paths at Killerton House yesterday late afternoon. My reward for GOING OUT.  Not such a hardship really  - all this free beauty captured in my lens.

I worried about leaving Robin on his own for a few hours  this afternoon after he got back from 

going out with his lovely Age UK supporter. But I needn't have as of course she helped him take off his jumper, and undo his braces so he could have a rest in bed. And he managed to eat the  lunch of cheese sandwiches and vegetable crudités I left him, all in bite sized pieces - no fork needed.

Ages ago, before Robin's arms got worse, my sister and I had arranged to meet up in Taunton with my cousin's partner -  my cousin who died of prostate cancer last year. We went to his beautiful woodland burial in the summer. They were together for 35 years. She is hurting and cut loose without him. Doesn't know how to be herself yet.....again.  My heart hurts for her. 

Although the man who was my husband has melted away too - slowly, relentlessly-  I'm still embroiled in the busyness of being his carer. She has empty rooms in her house. My house is still alive with him, another version of him.  Calling out for me. Needing me. A me who doesn't know how to be myself yet. A whole me  - a new me all in a muddle. Trying to untangle 30 years of a version of myself I hardly recognise now.

But more than anything tonight I'm thinking about those families in Brussels, torn apart, bereft  and unprepared for their loss with no time to say goodbye. Like I'm having.... such a long long goodbye.