Tea and Cake for Emptiness

It's all a bit bleak and cold and overcast,

walking  - reluctantly on Robin's part - by the river Otter on Saturday afternoon after food shopping at Lidl and an abortive attempt to buy a lawn mower at Homebase.

It  still feels like winter even though 

I  spot a clump of daffodils  - bold bright flags in amongst the dead grasses lining the river bank. Even a cream tea - with extra strawberry jam and clotted cream -  at Otterton Mill afterwards doesn't lift my mood. It feels like a day to stay at home with a book on the sofa ......but those kinds of days aren't really an option  for me any more with Robin's insatiable need to GO OUT most of the time.

On Sunday morning we pay our last respects to the allotment - although I've already cleared it and dug up the asparagus and rhubarb plants - I'm returning the keys on Monday and Robin wants to go one last time. It's all broken down and overgrown but he seems resigned to leaving it behind now and  I thank him for all the wonderful work he did there and all the wonderful vegetables he grew for us. He just says, But I loved it.

Later, early afternoon, we walk along the promenade at Lyme Regis 

but the wind is bitterly cold 

so I ring up Robin's aunty who is expecting us for tea

and say, Can we come early as we are freezing to death here?

She says, Of course, I'll put the kettle on.  And we escape to her nice warm home for conversation - which Robin hardly follows -  and French macaroons and mini squares of millionaire's shortbread which he greatly enjoys. 

Today, after a big lunch of spring onion omelette and salad with last night's left over roast carrots and squash, I think I'm still hungry. I know I'm not but I recognise that old craving for sweetness, that deep empty feeling that I try and fill with a banana and a piece of vegan chocolate cake and sticky dates but which just leaves me feeling uncomfortable and even more deeply hollow inside.

I can't identify what I'm really missing but luckily a woman from Neighbourhood Friends at the Westbank Centre is coming to talk to us about finding a volunteer be-friender to come and take Robin out. She's bright and smiley and honest and says the service is really for old people and it'll be hard to find someone for Robin as very few of the volunteers drive - the ones who do are already snapped up. And as Robin mostly just wants to GO OUT I'm not holding out much hope. 

As she's leaving she says it was nice to meet him and Robin replies,

You aren't entirely unpleasant yourself.  

Which makes her laugh and she even writes it down and says she's going to tell the girls in the office about it.

Luckily he doesn't say some of the other things which just pop out of his mouth on a regular basis which I don't think she'd bother to write down or repeat to the girls in the office.

But as the sun is shining, it's not 5 O'clock yet and I can't face any more of my to do list I agree to GO OUT and we drive off to Killerton House in search of spring..... and pointless tea and cake for my emptiness.