Nothing awful is happening now.

Laying garden flowers - roses, nerines, dahlias, amaryllis, the last sunflower -  on the pile of Budleigh pebbles nestled at the base of his cross this morning, I feel Robin's presence behind me ...close by. I wonder if I imagined it ...if I conjured him ...I want to feel it so much.  And the flowers are shimmering somehow.

As I was leaving I thought "something awful happened on this day three years ago"....awful for me...but it's not happening today...nothing awful is happening now. 

I'm breathing, walking on the tarmac path between the graves, squirrels are racing up and down the beech trees, crows are squawking black shapes flapping in the branches above me and nothing bad is happening now. It happened already...it can't happen again. So maybe I'm safe inside....the shimmering light I felt emanating from the flowers must be inside me too...

I meet my sister and brother-in-law at their new house - this is the view from their front garden - 

and we celebrate with prosecco and cakes from the Exploding Bakery.

Then we drive to Budleigh Salterton and celebrate Robin.....throwing  sunset coloured roses into the fast flowing estuary...watching them swirl and turn in circles, some catching on the pebbles and then floating out to sea past the children fishing from the bank.

When the sun disappears behind clouds and the wind gets up  we retreat into the town for more celebrating -  fish and chips/ halloumi cheese and chips in an excellent cafe...the same one Robin and I came to with dear friends when we had only recently moved to the West Country 18 years ago....even better than I remember.

Tonight, when I'd unpacked all the katundu in the car and was ready to sit down, I realised I'd lost my phone. It was a horrible, panicky time ...searching for it.....everywhere...in the car...in all the bags ...ringing it on the landline....not finding it/hearing it....ringing the fish and chip shop...feeling quite ill ....all my contacts gone. 

I find my sister's new number on a piece of paper I'd thrown away in the recycling...she says go back and look with a torch outside. And there it is......on the driveway right by the car....fallen from my lap in the dark when I got out...turned to silent mode.

The relief is like a long drink of water when I thought I going pass out with thirst.

And a wake up call to back up my contacts....at least find out how to do it.

So nothing bad happened after all. 

Nobody died.