They just kept caring.... and I can't stop tomorrow coming...

Archive photos... the Algarve...November 2016... a month after Robin died.

I've been with  a dear friend today in Dorchester... having lunch...catching up....we go back a long way... 35 years.

Over these last weeks, coming up to 24th October, I've managed not think too much or too often about Robin's last day...and the phone call I got at 7.25am that set the sun on my life forever.

But I have been thinking about..... and remembering...  all the incredible love and support we received ...constantly, faithfully.... when it got harder and harder.... and they just kept caring and coming and being there and praying for us, heart-holding us ....our families, our friends.

For years and years.

And how I became a different, better person because of them and their care...

 vulnerable/ strong not strong/rigid...I had to give up doing it on my own....and let them in.

And now I'm slowly letting myself believe that I did what I could looking after Robin....that I loved him as much as I could...that I couldn't have known when he was going to die....not when he did. 

And it's still so painful for me. 

 But it's what I do....live with this pain...this loss... which has no limit in time and space...I accommodate it...and allow it ....not hide it or let it dominate...or expect it to dissipate. My body is doing it for me at the moment....hurting, aching all the time....and all the time I'm being held and helped and loved...not alone.

Tonight the owls are calling...they sound so close.

 I turn off all the lights, open the window and sit on the bedroom window sill ...searching the sky above the tree tops ....hoping to see great wide wings rising up.

But there is a floating mist...and all I can see are a few stars and the lights of a plane disappearing into the dark.

And I can't stop tomorrow coming.

Or these salt tears.