Monday, 30 September 2019

The Acorn Cup...This Place This Home This land









At the head of the table, 
 covered in yellow and white checked oil cloth,
brother-in law sits,
window seat behind him.
At the other end, 
the kitchen end, where all the goodness flows from,
my sister sits in speckled apron.
Their sons and wives and grandchildren
gathered close around them,
all come to say goodbye to 
this place this home this land
of trees,
 oak and ash
apple and pear
this ancient land of white churt stone 
 grazing sheep,
roaming squashes
and upright leeks.


 Bowls of home grown vegetables 
home made sausages
fill the table and our plates.
And in the centre there is another bowl
 a container of acorns
 shiny brown or glossy green, big or small,
 in holding cups
or set free,
collected that morning 
by one son and his son
from the autumn leaved ground.
It passes between us -
little fingers, smooth fingers
ringed fingers,
lined fingers,
stained and calloused fingers,
sore bent fingers
choose an acorn each,
and roll it and hold it.
Each in turn,
even the little ones, 
we tell the story of our memories, 
of this place, this home, this land,
over twenty years 
nurtured and loved and shared.

The birthday parties, the rituals, the burning fires,
 the wake and the wedding,
Easter egg hunts, Christmas feasting,
summer BBQs,
the singing, the laughing, the tears, the dancing
and all that food and cooking
and washing up, 
 all that talking
and listening and playing.
and growing.
All held in the acorn cup of their wide generous hearts
now letting it go
passing it on to 
the next caretakers
 of this place, this home this land.
Leaving it and us
a better place,
better people.

Thank you Jane and Dave.



Friday, 27 September 2019

Upstairs/Downstairs - My Divided World

Just when I'm a bit tired of it all ...the endless rain...the back pain...the house decisions ...the daunting  size of the garden...thinking about Robin all the time...remembering our wedding day...everything that went right...everything that went wrong.. ....being so young...
imagining what might have been ....  being so old  now....doing it all on my own....the world in a wounded mess....and just when I want to give up...
this sweet robin flies in where I'm sitting on the damp ground under the oak tree and perches on a low branch to my right. And sings for ages.....hopping to another branch...as if he knows I'm here .... in need of something...

at a loss in this moment....trapped between the past and the future....uprooted in my present.
So I cry a bit and thank him silently...then I cut two small sunflowers from  the bird feeder plant...and  fully opened, pale pink roses from the front garden. 
My wedding bouquet was pink...Robin's tie was pink...and his shirt...
 my bridesmaid's dress was pink.
 Later I take the flowers to the grave which looks tiny and overgrown in amongst all the new marble headstones surrounding his small, lopsided, weathered cross.
The piece of green slate for his memorial stone is still  buried deep in a quarry somewhere in the Lake District.
I cut the  long grass around him with a pair of scissors....lay the sunflowers on the pile of Budleigh pebbles...scatter the rose petals.
It starts to rain heavily so I don't linger... this time I can't find him there....can't feel his smile on me.

Luckily it's time to meet my sister and brother-in-law in a seaside town for salty popcorn and  dark chocolate buttons in the darkness of the cinema...and escape into the upstairs/downstairs, safe/predictable/unreal world of Downton Abbey.....
and afterwards sink into the hot comfort of a bowl of macaroni cheese in a busy noisy pub.
Maybe it'll always be like this...my divided world....all the loss and the hurting and the memories swirling around down below stairs...all the carrying on with normal life/ creating a new me.... busily  and brightly.... upstairs in the present.
And the interface between them a sweet robin visitor...flying in at any time...
reminding me with his  heavenly voice 
that love never dies.




Thursday, 26 September 2019

No more married years to come.

Morning walk.
Blue sky reflected round oak leaf in puddle...


looking up...

broken gate...someone moves it everyday to a different position ...but doesn't mend it.

Cow and gate...

sky cloud splashed....


looking into the sun...

I can't stop taking photos of this sky gift...

 watching it is better than a movie.

I'm out all day  - in town early to get an appointment at the Apple Store....a Google glitch in my computer.

The queues in the organic vegetable stall are long and restless. Still lots of leafy greens and corn on the cob in the boxes, but the tomatoes are pale and have lost their summer sweetness.

Long conversation on the mobile with my dear nephew, starting his long road to recovery, while I sit in the car outside Waitrose...sun pouring in through the windscreen.

I lie on a massage couch, tears leaking, while lovely cranio-therapist lays her hands on  my sore back.

Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary. It would have been 33 years. No more married years to come.
I'm so happy that my sweet niece shares the date with us...lots of years ahead for her and her beloved.


Wednesday, 25 September 2019

Thumb Relief and Go Create

Photos below taken on Monday. 
It's raining so hard this morning I don't want to get my camera out.
The rain silences the birds...the cows..the sheep.
The only sound is water sloshing in my water bottle in my back pack. And the pattering  of rain drops  from the trees falling on my umbrella.
I dry off and drive in to Exeter for my appointment with our lovely osteopath/chiropracter /man with miracle hands. He works on my back...and diagnoses a  muscle sprain and my pelvis has tipped out of alignment. I can bend forward much more easily afterwards. It's still sore but not worried sore.
He says no inflammation in my thumb.... so not arthritis ....more likely to be a pulled ligament.....too much weeding maybe....but I'm so relieved. Just knowing that makes the pain lighter somehow.
That and remembering to be nicer to myself.
 Later I sit with a friend who is laid low, weakened with a mystery illness...waiting for blood test results and a CAT scan. Living with so much uncertainty and worry....my heart hurts for her and her family.
At home, since the rain has stopped, I sit on the step of the summer house with my bowl of hot veggies and rice, my bare feet on the soaking wet grass, and think about the ions flowing between me and the earth....soaking up my harsh-on-myself thoughts.

Back in the  summer...only weeks ago but also a whole season ago....I found this green colouring pencil lying directly in my the path. I picked it up and read the words printed on the side...
GO CREATE.
 It does feel like an instruction from above...a  clear message from the Universe...but at the moment I'm not sure how to carry it out....not sure what if anything I'm creating. I'm preparing to create my house/home/garden but that's not the same as doing it.
Maybe I'm creating the space in me ...somehow.... in a haphazard, bumbling along, letting go, holding on fashion...for something else to arise.

I did re-create the flavours of summer for my supper tonight ... a perfectly ripe avocado dip, fragrant with herbs I cut from pots outside the kitchen...basil, mint, Vietnamese coriander, chives and oregano.....mashed up with Carluccio's lemon oil, crushed garlic and chilli flakes. 
And ate it watching non professional chefs delighting themselves with their creativity on Celebrity Masterchef. 


Tuesday, 24 September 2019

Living in Better Conditions

" Fear is the cheapest room in the house. I would like to see you living in better conditions".
HAFIZ.

Another cheap room is self criticism/ self punishment.
This morning with help of lovely therapist/kinesologist I dig deep into the buried treasure in the pain in my back, my thumb to see what is that wants to be witnessed.
"I want you to know I'm hurting",
 says my thumb.
And instead of being angry with my thumb and my back, blaming them for stopping me doing what I want, I feel remorse for treating my body badly. All these years. Neglecting it, punishing it.
My body didn't do anything wrong.
I haven't done anything wrong. 
Even when it hurts I haven't done anything wrong.
 So there is no need to criticise and blame.
The pain is information, something to listen to with love.
 Not a stick to beat me with. 
So now I'm only feeling gratitude and kindness towards my body.
And it doesn't hurt nearly so much.

My therapist suggests Earthing to help all the inflammation in my back, in my blaming thoughts.
 To walk barefoot on the wet grass, on a beach on the earth. 
And then the exchange can take place.
The exchange of ions.
 At the moment I have too many positive ions in me (ie inflammation/ self critical thoughts )which I could release through my feet...in exchange for receiving the balancing negative ions available in the ground.
  I was doing it ...walking on the grass of my garden in bare feet, even for a few minutes a day....then the weather changed so I stopped....got out of the habit.
But I could start again inspite of the weather...sit on the step of my summer house with my feet on the grass...even if it's raining....and eat my lunch at the same time.
Because I want to start living in better conditions.


Monday, 23 September 2019

Not bending with the wind.

SATURDAY
I long  for  the vista of a seascape ...a counter point to the narrow lanes of my green wooded valley... and escape to Sidmouth. 
Even though it's extra busy with a Classic Car Show I'm determined to catch the last day of this sun and warmth which we have been warned by the weather pundits will be summer's swan song. 
I can't  do any gardening but I can walk ...slowly...with the pebbles skittering away under my feet, the wind blowing salty air into my soul.
 On the promenade a woman with a friendly, sunburned lined face stops me and says she likes my small, canvas rucksack...where did I get it? I have to disappoint her.

I bought it in Portugal when I was visiting with friends last May. It has become my walking rucksack.  Her interest makes me love it even more. 






SUNDAY
 In the morning I walk under humid grey skies. 
Then,  I start making a chocolate hazelnut cake to take for tea at my sister's.
No warning  - I'm not stretching or twisting or reaching - suddenly I feel a click click click in my lower back - my whole pelvic girdle seizes up with pain.
I lie on the hall carpet to get relief...but instead I'm gripped with a terror ...that I won't be able to get up....that I won't be able to do my life if I can't stand...walk...lift ...carry ...bend ...stretch.
I cry for a long time ...lying on the carpet....asking for help.
And  of course it comes. 
 I can get up ....I can walk even with  pain.. and I ring a friend for advice.
 And then my sister. 
She arrives later with DVDs and Almond Bailey's. We eat the  sticky wheat free, dairy free  hazelnut chocolate cake and watch things that make us laugh on Iplayer.
And my pain eases along with my terror. 

TODAY
The most painful thing is pulling on my walking boots and bending to tie the laces. But as I walk ...slowly.... up hill...carefully ....along the brambly footpath and down into the village the pain becomes part of me...it accompanies me....and  all the time I 'm wondering what I need to address in my life...what it is telling me.
This deflated black ballon floats ahead of me and settles into the branches of a beech tree along the roadside.

The blackberries are beginning to go mouldy

on their prickly stems...

so I join this small snail and

feast on the best ones for my breakfast.....
my fingers quickly becoming stained bruised purple with their sweet running juice.

A necklace of red berries - not sure what they are.
I find it hard to get comfortable all day...sitting at my desk ... or on the sofa with hot water bottles  or lying on my back...on my front... on the bed. I take paracetamol and do things which don't require me to bend. Like my tax return.

It's the bending which hurts the most.
  And then it clicks in my head. I haven't been stopped in my tracks  - I can still walk and stand and sit and even carry light things. But I can't bend forward.   Not without exacerbating the inflammation.
So maybe it's my mindset that the pain is asking me to look at.
 The not very flexible part of me...the part that wants to be in control at all costs. The part that says it has to be this way or that way and nothing else will do. The unreasonable part that is rooted in an old belief that it's the only way for me to be safe.
The part that doesn't trust going with the flow...bending with the wind...letting go.
So maybe now's the time.
And there is probably another layer below that one...fear...anger....terror of being alone.
But in the meantime,
I have an appointment with a lovely chiropractor/ body worker on Wednesday.