The Beginning of a new Summer

Down by the riverside....

In spite of phone calls from the estate agent during lunch in a cafe, I had a break from moving house stuff today....a lovely afternoon out with dear friends in Tiverton.

This morning in the farmers's market they had run out of eggs but I fell on the last few remaining sugar snap peas and scooped them up greedily - my absolute favourite  - must be eaten raw. And I bought a brown paper bag lumpy with the first broad beans of the year.....the first of everything in a new season always tastes wonderful.

I was surprised to see carrots from Italy though on the stall - the first time ever as they pride themselves on only selling their own locally grown organic vegetables. When I asked why I was told it has been such a cold winter that their carrots just didn't germinate. Needless to say I couldn't bring myself to buy them. Which makes me ridiculously hypocritical when the other day I bought green beans from Kenya in the supermarket which were't even organic because I needed them for a recipe  I was making.

Tonight I tried to read and understand the follow on report from the meeting I had recently with my financial advisor which triggered me into the past.  I realised how ridiculous it was too as my mind is far too spongy to take in new information when I'm tired and emotional...so I'm being kind and leaving it till the morning ...which will be June 1st.....the beginning of a new summer. ...

Oak Tree...Walnut Flapjacks....Waterfall of Birdsong

After the rain this morning in my garden - this sweet robin perched for ages on the hanging basket hook, as still as a meditator.

On Sunday I took some of my family to see my home-to-be. To get their approval - which I knew I already had but I wanted to share it with them. 

 Afterwards we took a  circular walk through the village and found this path which goes past the field which backs onto the house. You can't see it behind the big oak tree in the centre but you can see these cows from the kitchen window.

We also found this famous oak tree on the outskirts of the village which is over a  thousand years old...the curve of its trunk as

beautifully round as the belly of my niece 

who is eight months pregnant.

I love that I will be living so near to its ancient wisdom.

Back home I made supper for them -  a spring risotto of pea, asparagus and shitake mushrooms, tomatoes roasted in feathery dill and green garlic with fine green beans and a lemony walnut pesto. Grilled salmon for the fish eaters.

I also baked an Elderflower and Lemon Cake  - inspired by Harry and Meghan's -  but the elderflower got lost in the sharp lemon flavour. So I served it with  raspberries and blueberries soaked in the last of my homemade pink elderflower cordial which was also in memory of my niece's wedding  - I made gallons of it for that wonderful occasion. And now they are having a baby.....so happy for them.

I enjoyed cooking again for more than one person. 

 Sometimes I just have an urgent need to bake for no reason- no one coming to tea - so  this afternoon in between my mission to de-clutter at least one drawer a day, I made a batch of walnut and maple flapjacks. 

I set up the computer on the  kitchen counter and listened to the wise and humorous words of Matt Kahn in his latest video while I stirred up a nubbly concoction of melted coconut oil, porridge oats, maple syrup, goji berries and pumpkin seeds.....practising loving kindness... soothing the anxious, worrying part of me that fears I may be taking on a garden too big for me.....reassuring her I can always turn it into a wild flower meadow and let it take care of itself...while I let the waterfall of birdsong take care of me.

Making a plan

 I stop to watch the early morning ablutions of this gorgeous graceful swan on the river Exe...I'm walking back through the town after leaving my car at the garage for its MOT and annual service.

 Such a versatile neck.

I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed by everything I need to do in the two months before I move. I open kitchen cabinets of cups and saucers or bedroom cupboards of my history and panic. Or I pull out an office drawer full of Robin and I'm lost.

But today my dear sister comes over with a bag of green salad leaves from her garden and a magic file of lists and practical stuff and we make a plan.  So I can put my panic and my loss on paper and make space in my head to let the leaving begin. 

We make a map of the rooms I will inhabit ....imagining my cupboards and drawers in another house. But not all of them because they won't fit. Letting go of my furniture is easier than imagining my home without a room in it for Robin....without him beside me.

While I'm still here in our house he's still here in every corner.

I know he's always with me in one sense but I haven't yet learned how to  manage without his physical presence lighting up every corner of my life. 

Not something I can make a plan for.

Halved Now.

First it was me.

Then it was us.

We 

became I again.

I miss us.

Halved now.

...the beauty of the land....

Beautiful  massed blossom in the park this afternoon....blackthorn, hawthorn, lilac. I walk there after a lovely day in Dorchester with two dear friends. We all worked together at Sharwoods in the product development department. In another life time...a life time ago.

In the programme from The Chelsea Flower Show this evening all the interviews were about the healing and restorative powers of gardens ....on mental health particularly.

I've been thinking that making a garden, growing vegetables - just  a few - and being surrounded by  all the greenness in my new home ...just being quiet and peaceful is the way for me to heal and grow....to recover from all this loss and grief and turmoil.... put down roots into a different earth,  and stand on my own two feet .....held and nourished by the beauty of the land I'll be able to see from my kitchen window every day.

....blessed by robins.

I watched this sweet robin nibbling crumbs on the picnic table next 

to the one I was sitting at with a dear friend for lunch

on Sunday at the NT's Parke estate at Bovey Tracey on the edge of Dartmoor.

My friend says she always sees more robins when I'm out walking with her than when she walks on her own.  I see a robin nearly every day -  always in our garden and whenever I'm out.

 This morning one flew down from the apple tree when my sister and I were sitting in the sun on the patio, and stayed a little while perched on the low brick wall, eying the bird seed I've scattered there. He always feels like he's visiting me and giving me his blessing.

It was before we set off to Plymouth to pick up her sweet granddaughter from school and take her back home where she was very keen to show us her tadpoles, given to her by her grandma, which have started to grow tiny legs and a long tail. 

And how it was time to transfer them to another 

bowl and give them fresh

water and more lettuce to feed on.

Soon they will be frogs.

Today was also the day a dear friend became a grandmother for the first time. A precious new life blessing hers.

And tonight, after waiting all day for a phone call which never came, I got the good news I have been    hoping and praying for. My offer accepted on a house I saw and loved two weeks ago.

 Not the same one, the new eco house I saw and loved in Topsham...the one that started me on this journey of letting go of our home...letting go of Robin and the life we had here....but another one....not that far from here.... on the edge of a village ....one that fits me better ....where I can imagine myself being happy again. 

Surrounded by a garden blessed by robins.