...the gap on the sofa beside me.....and get up and get on.

Daylight snowdrops flooding the back garden.....

and in a flowing clump in the bank by the gate at 

the front of the house..

 along with and a few delicate buttery crocuses scattered in the grass.

I'm wondering how to rescue the snowdrops- at least some of them -  before I start digging up the garden and changing the landscape around me.

So happy to see the thrush again..

a pair of them...

or maybe even three ...

rooting around in the lawn...

and fluffed up in this bush in the hedge between me and my neighbour.

Saturday

Scrumptious vegan lunch with my sister at the Baobab cafe in Crediton on very familiar and retro 1970s china plates. Later I cooked  a rather large 3 course curry supper  - a belated birthday meal for my brother in law, they enjoyed it all but I vowed I'd never eat again. 

Sunday

Woke with a feeling of sore throat and a cold in the offing, which didn't develop, but I just felt miserable and as it was so cold and rainy, in between blue skies and blustery winds, I brought in a stack of logs from the garage and made a fire.... and stayed on the sofa with blankets and books and my computer and a pot of tea.

 When I finally got hungry in the late afternoon I couldn't think of a single thing to eat even though the fridge and cupboards are full of lovely things to tempt me.

In the end I made a pan of coconut rice pudding which was hot and sticky and sweet with honey but nothing could fill the gap on the sofa beside me.... the safe warm arch of his arm around me....feeling his heartbeat under the soft wool of his jumper.....leaving me achingly amputated by his forever absence.

Today I cleaned and dusted and tidied and sorted the house. Even the rooms full of packing boxes. I opened all the windows upstairs and the back door and the side door and let in the cold air.... let it blow through the staleness of the closed up winter house...

where I live in a sort of fog of one foot in front of the other....sometimes it's just the automatic push of my will, and that voice in my head which insists 'get up and get on' that keeps me from drowning.

All this spring cleaning is about getting ready for a Feng Shui and Space Clearing session tomorrow with a lovely and very experienced consultant.    I'm expecting her to help me move through all my blocks about the house and have a much clearer idea and a strategy for the future...so that the house and I flow on the same wave length.

A very good reason to get up and get on.