Breathe.....Without Him

 Last night's raw garlic clove that I crushed into my bowl of pasta and spinach at the last minute, with a stream of olive oil, was so strong and fiery hot that I couldn't finish my supper.

  So I feel sorry for the people I sit close to today ( the garlic still reeking from my pores) - the gentle, newly retired nurse who  snips and picks out my stitches - tiny black butterflies discarded on a white paper cloth.....and the patient, helpful IT man who guides me through Google + problems ( which turn out not to be a problem) and the setting up of my new blog...he working  on his giant computer screen and me on my little Mac Book Air. 

So now I have a Wordpress skeleton blog to practise on. I will keep you posted when the first one is done. 

I'm wiped out tired when I come home -  concentrating on learning new computer stuff for two hours boggles my mind.

I invent a new quick snack.  In my Cordon Bleu cooking days I learnt how to make beurre noisette -  a sauce of butter, browned but not burnt, with a  nutty aroma. I remember a recipe using it called Skate Wings au Beurre Noisette.

My snack is called Scrambled Oeufs aux Beurre Noisette....ie. I forgot about the butter melting in the pan and caught it just before it burnt. It does give the eggs an interesting nutty flavour - especially if you have them with oatcakes and tahini sprinkled with sea salt.

Much later with wind and rain howling outside I stay up and watch a film called Breathe - the true story of Robin Cavendish who contracted Polio in the 1950s and defied a short life expectancy by  refusing to stay in  hospital and living at home looked after by his wife Diana and by helping to develop a wheelchair with a respirator so that he could leave the house and travel. The film was made by his son Jonathan Cavendish... utterly moving and inspiring.  I cried all the way through it.

The hardest part to watch was when his wife and son had to say goodbye to him just before he died. They knew he was going to.

 The hardest part in my story is that I never said a proper goodbye to Robin...and I don't know if I had  it would be easier to bear now. But it would have been unbearable to know as well... and wishing and wanting makes no difference ....I always end up back in the same place. 

Without him.