The Long Road

CHRISTMAS DAY

Parsnip Carrot and Walnut Loaf( adapted from Nigel Slater's recipe) - the vegetarian part of Christmas lunch.

The best part for me are the roast potatoes

and my sister's magnificent  chocolate plum pudding....with Hard Sauce of course.

And the walk after lunch in the lanes around the farm.

BOXING DAY - Lyme Regis

Down by the sea, before visiting Robin's aunty for tea

in Axminster.

27th DECEMBER 

At home, feeling ill .....gastric...staying close to the loo all day.

28th DECEMBER

 Visiting Robin in Higher Cemetery.....

His spot....

and baking for two 70th birthdays.... garlicky red pepper sauce....

 and Portuguese custard tarts...which weren't on the menu but I had egg yolks to use up from the meringue roulade,

and choux pastry buns for Profiteroles which were on the menu but they were a disaster and never made it to the party tea table.

29th DECEMBER - the 70th birthdays....my big sister's and our brother-in-law's.

He requested Cherry Madeira Cake for his birthday...

30th DECEMBER

My sister requested Tomato and Basil Tart

and Lemon Curd Strawberry Meringue Roulade for her birthday.

And Peanut biscuits scattered with praline and

Chocolate Coconut Squares and cup cakes provided by her daughters.

31st DECEMBER

New Year's Eve...I stay in bed most of the day....I have a dream about Robin....the first time since he died....it's so vivid ....so crystal clear...his face...his voice...his expressions...he's in hospital waiting for an operation..... he has dementia but he's his old self.... he sits up in the bed.....he asks me who is paying for it....I whisper in his ear that it's all handled....I hug him....hold  him for a little while .....and feel how thin he is in my arms....

When I wake it's as if he was just here .......just now...so alive...so Robin.

All the details of the dream have stayed with me. Up to now I haven't been able to feel him. ..not really. And I could in the dream....so it's a relief....as if he's accessible somehow.

I think I'm in a sort of delayed shock....now it's all over.... the funeral, going to Portugal....Christmas ....New Year.  Now I have to face it. Now it's the long road of 2017 ahead of me....me and this sea of grieving swamping me in endless waves.

1st JANUARY 2017

Friends plan a New Year's Day walk at the NT's Parke on Dartmoor, but it pours with rain and it's freezing cold so we abandon the walk...go for lunch instead ....and sit on damp wooden benches in a leaking tent in the grounds of a cafe which is fully booked up. We warm ourselves with  paper cups of leek and potato soup and hot cheese scones....tell stories and laugh.... till my fingers turn blue and white in spite of the soup... and it's time to go home.

TODAY 2nd January. Exeter.

I wake with a streaming cold.....I potter in the kitchen....sort out the fridge and freezers...throw away old packets of filo pastry, and ancient lentil soup....freeze the left overs from Christmas...the parsnip loaf, the cake, the mincemeat slices.

 I tidy the plastic box cupboard ( Robin was much tidier than me and was always re-arranging the plastic boxes and their lids that I left in a mess)  and I find myself poleaxed by an agony of memories... I feel dizzy and sit on the floor....Robin and more Robin....he's everywhere and NOT HERE....how can I not believe it.....

I take my camera and walk in the park, hard bright sunlight, icy blue sky, naked trees, till my fingers go dead white again and I can't feel the shutter button through my gloves.

 I make an avocado and Dukkah salad supper but don't eat it till much much later watching TV....I'm always waiting to be hungry. How can I feel so empty but not hungry?