Putting Out The Fire

Walking to the park the other day I hear the crackling of the flames

before I see the fire thorough a gap in the hedge.

A neighbour is making a bonfire in his garden.

Burning  his dead wood.

Autumn fire in the trees. Still hanging on in January.

And returning to ground.

My soup supper tonight - fiery with the heat of ginger chilli and garlic.

 and a soft fire in the sky this evening.

This morning I wake with the fire of righteousness in my belly.

And I notice how I can make the face of a young woman, who I know, who I have a relationship with, who has hugged me, into the face of an enemy. How the smoke of my anger obliterates her humanness, how I stop seeing her as someone like me, how much I want to blame her, how right and justified I am. How WRONG she is. How RIGHT is on my side - undeniably. 

And I see with a deep undeniable horror that this is exactly how war starts. With a thought that becomes rooted in a feeling that separates, that divides that blinds. That leads to killing and death. You can fatally injure someone with your thoughts.

I'm shocked by my madness....something so small..... so not life threatening or terrible can lead me to such hatred...so quickly.

I am owed some money.

  A few days before Robin died I paid Lucerne House the fees for his care for 6 weeks in advance.

They agreed to credit it - less some funds for various items and after- care fees.

It has now been nearly two and a half months. I have been on the phone many times with the young woman who is dealing with it. Promises. Excuses. Still no money in my account. I believed that grief supersedes business. And expected more sensitivity.

Because Robin had such wonderful care from them and I'm so grateful for that, I just let it go and let it go.

But today was the day I lost it. And also the day I saw the face of my own hatred. And how ugly and dangerous it is.

Fortunately I stopped myself in time....took it to head office....got someone else to do it -  the PA to the chief executive, who was lovely....got an apology....and an agreement to fast track the money.

So when I finally spoke to the young woman later this afternoon I could remember who she was, just inefficient, and negligent but not bad -  not my enemy. And I could be very clear about the figures -  which were still wrong -  and ask her to correct them and to let me have a progress report by Monday.

 I was probably still making her wrong but not hating her. And I'm also grateful to her for showing me my own self hatred and how instead of dividing myself up into little pieces I could find a way to just embrace all of me - the good and the bad of me....include it all in my love - the humanness of me.

And I'm so grateful to the dear friend who listened me today - pour all this out. Listened and loved me into compassion for myself.....and helped me put out the fire of my regrets about Robin...which have been burning a hole in my heart.