Staying in Bed

Yesterday's walk in the park with the sun's early leaving. 

I cancel my day - nice things I was going to do. And stay in bed. I drink big mugs of hot lemon and  grated fresh ginger and honey... to soothe my nose and my throat and my tight chest. 

I doze and read and then sleep long into the afternoon and read some more. I dip in and out of lots of books. Brian Pattern's poetry from his collection 'Armada' - which includes poems about the death of his mother - heart tearing.

 And a book by a dear friend, Wendy Harrington called  

 "From Vegas to the Pearly Gates," the extraordinary story of her life after surviving a terrible flesh eating disease and a near death experience. She is an amazing woman.

And a book called 'The Girl Under the Olive Tree', by Leah Fleming -  1940's  -  a nurse for the Red Cross and  her story of being involved in the resistance movement in Crete. Extraordinary bravery amidst such  crippling fear.

 And my father's first book about the organic revolution in Zambia -' Elephants and Milllipedes' - beautifully written, hard to put down like the first time I read it. Bringing him back to me  - all his heart felt African passion on every page.

And  I'm reassured by this quote and poem  from 'How to Survive theLoss of a Love', by Bloomfield, Colgrove and McWilliams,

There is no need to overprotect yourself. Just be aware that much of your energy is being used for healing and that the body's natural defence mechanisms may be weakened.

Once upon a time,
and a very long time
ago it was too,
I was innocent.

I did not know
what love was.

Pain was when you
fell from a tree.

When I stop my usual trying to be normal, getting through the day, I uncover the hurt that's always there ....not deep but very close to the surface -  a dripping tap behind the shower curtain. Hard to turn it off today.