Still in the zoo...
I tell my lovely family constellation healer that although Robin is everywhere around me, I can't access him, I can't feel him, talk to him. Because I'm torturing myself with a hail of arrows, throwing up a fence of recrimination. And my chest is as tight and closed as a smoker's.
We explore what's going on with me and when she asks if I'd like to bring him in, talk to him, I say yes.
After a while, with my eyes closed, when I have a picture of myself as a very young, golden soul, she invites him in and asks if I can see his face or feel him.
I just a have a sense of his presence, a very warm deep love - something bigger than the Robin I know, something of his purity beyond his body and our entangled history, something which humbles me, something I want to honour.
He embraces my very young soul...says, you are beautiful.... and I 'm so happy to see him, feel him and recognise the lightness in his heart.
When he speaks he says,
It is safe to let go now.
At that moment I feel a bright golden light in front of me, surrounding me, and realise that the sun has come out and it's shining through the widow onto my face.
When the sun goes in I open my eyes and the tightness in my chest has eased. And I feel calmer.
But very very tired, and I spend the afternoon on the sofa wrapped in two blankets, dozing, reading, drinking tea. Not shooting arrows at myself.
Giving myself permission to remember the good things.
With the Apes of Morocco in Rocamadour, in SW France, on my 60th birthday in 2012.
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