I can't believe he's gone....

In Tescos' on Saturday my sister and I buy tulips for our father's grave. The colour of African sunsets. We place them in amongst the the purple and pink plastic anaenomes already there, swirling around in their pin hole container.

I buy yellow roses for my husband's grave. The colour of butter and sunlight. I scatter the torn petals on the iron red Devon soil and the wind flicks them up, rolls them across to the next grave and onto the grass. Lemon confetti blessings.

On Sunday,  a birthday walk with friends in beautiful  Salcombe on the Kingsbridge Estuary in South Devon.

Followed by birthday cake - my stand-by now -  Nigella's Chocolate Olive Oil Cake for the 50 year old birthday boy. A dear friend who regularly used to look after Robin.  He took him out for a drive the day before Robin died.

Today I hear the news of the death of an old friend a few days ago. I didn't know he was ill. I'm shocked and so sad. He played a big influential part in my life many years ago when I lived in London. He started a group - 5 of us -  called Making A Difference. We called ourselves the MAD group and used to meet at his house.... and talk... and try and change the world, and ourselves.....sitting round the table full of sumptuous food.

 He was 'Mr Sharwoods' for me, found me a job there, supported me in developing my cooking career.... came the day before my wedding to help me make the food for the buffet, and made a terrible speech on the day but we still stayed friends! He used to throw outrageous parties and was bigger than life itself. I can't believe he's gone. He was only 66.

And now I can't think straight as there is a huge street party going on outside. So much shouting and screaming and loud loud music - drumming into my head.

 And it's only Monday.

For Jeffrey.