I walk in the park this morning. Beautiful sunshine. Trying to walk something out of my system. Guilt and tears and self recrimination. Unprepared for conversation with Robin yesterday.
We are sitting in the car watching two kids kick a ball on the green at Teignmouth. I'm feeding him mini Mars Bars and an Innocent smoothie. He says,
Only 2 days left.
He means of the 2 weeks he has been in Lucerne House.
I say,
No....
and that it will be 2 more weeks because I've signed a months trial contract and then we will review it.
He looks shocked and upset.
I say,
I can't look after you at home.
But he just says no, he has already decided not to stay.
I was planning to have this conversation later, with someone with me for moral support to explain why he does need to stay.
Now I feel I betrayed him. I wanted to protect him...and myself.... but it has backfired.
Tonight I'm asking for help to find the best way to have the real, hard conversation with him.
And how to make it easier for him to be there. I may need to find more one to one care for him. Maybe an evening visitor as the evenings are the hardest. He says he's bored and wants the carers to take him out and about in the wheelchair. They try but don't always have the time.
I'm also trying to forgive myself...be strong for me....fight my own corner....tough love.....never been good at that. Time to start now.
Sunset tonight outside my window.
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