This Too Will Pass

  2pm. D-day.

Robin is still in bed when I arrive with the troops. He hasn't taken breakfast or lunch.

My sister and lovely hospice nurse wait in the small TV lounge while I get him dressed.  I tell him we are having a meeting about his future.

I wheel him in and we sit round the table. The  angle of the light from the window makes it hard to see his face.

When I say it's not possible for me to look after him at home and he needs to stay where he is, he seems shocked and says no, he doesn't want to. And he's not ready yet. And we could try a few weeks at home and see how it goes.

We give him all the reasons why not. He says he can see the argument but he doesn't want to stay.

My sister and the hospice nurse are clear and sure and kind and just keep saying it's very hard and no, he isn't going to get better and this is best for everyone.  This is tough love.

I just want to weep with the unfairness of it all....he has no options...we have all the power....why would he see reason when we are talking about the ending of his life as it has been up till now.... for 33 years.... at home with me.

When it's clear there is nothing more to say, I wheel him into the lift and take him to the empty dining room and feed him carrot and coriander soup  ( 5 spoons), three small mounds of pureed vegetables -  one white, one grey green and one pink. And a Muller peach yoghurt.

Then we drive up the A38 to Ashburton with Etta James singing Swing Low Sweet Chariot - at full volume.

Only once his face crumples and he says, I don't want to stay. I say, I'm so sorry. And he doesn't see me crying.

 Even though  the music doesn't drown out the grating and grinding of the teeth I don't mind, nothing bothers me. All I have to deal with now is the mess of  pain and hurt and grief  - his and mine. But all that is preferable to this withholding, not saying  how it really is. Even if Robin doesn't believe me or accept it, at least the truth is told now.

And I trust, somewhere deep inside me, that it is for the highest good for all of us. This is the Divine Order and this too will pass.