Spoonfuls of Love

The sky last evening  - a symphony of fire and smoke giving birth to dancing pre-hisoric monsters.

As Robin had a morning and afternoon visitor and I wasn't seeing him till the evening  I took the luxury of time to do some gardening, to start sorting and putting away the jumbled heap of my summer clothes, and searching out spare duvets and pillows ....getting ready for when Robin's family come to stay for a day and a night next week.

I'm not ready to start sorting Robin's clothes yet. Although I did take a  bundle of his old gardening clothes and shoes to the Charity bins at Waitrose the other day. Just things I know he'll never wear again.

I also took the time to sit for a while on the sofa and listen to some of  a Matt Kahn UTube video about Anchoring the Divine Feminine....which is meant to be responsive from the heart and not reactive.....and the drive of the Divine Masculine which is meant to be intuitive not defensive. I fell asleep before  I got to the part about how to do it. Except of course  the point is to bless everything with the opposite of what you see.....ask for peace when you see conflict......love when you see fear.

Somehow it helped me to get some perspective with what is happening with me and Robin and the home. I just feel clearer now that it's OK to let the home take care of all Robin's physical needs.  I can  still do my bit about getting him to drink more and stay on the case of ensuring he is as comfortable as possible. They can deal with his constipation. 

 But as his disease eats away his body and his mind I can be a resource for him for his psychological and emotional needs...just help him to remember who he is, who he was, remind him of  the people he loves, who love him. Listen to him and his heart. Enable him to have whatever still gives him pleasure.....the air on his face as we wheel him to the car...moving anywhere.....being driven .....especially to places which mean a lot to him.....past the houses of our friends and family, his clients.....places where we lived.....places where we walked..... keys to  his happy memories.

Driving him in the dusk tonight towards the sea, stopping to buy fuel, pointing out the sun dipping behind the hills, even though I'm tired and I can see that he's getting tired too, and even though he won't remember where we went, I know that this moment is all we have. And it's better than fretting about how many spoonfuls of pureed broccoli he had tonight. And if it's enough to keep him alive a bit longer.

Nothing will keep him alive if this disease continues to devour him from the inside. But I can feed him love, never ending spoonfuls of it, for as long as he can smile his crooked smile, stick out his tongue at me, and breathe his quick and shallow breaths.