Robin

Robin died this morning at 7.35am.

 Only it can't be true because yesterday his lovely carer said he needed more after shave lotion and hand soap so I put them in my bag to take to him this morning. And in the fridge there is the other half of the banana he ate yesterday in the car when we stopped at the side of the road in Haldon Woods.  I was trying to understand what he was saying but I couldn't, so I  made him eat the banana instead which he didn't really want to and he gave me one of his looks and did it anyway - one bite.

He was really tired yesterday afternoon and couldn't keep his body upright and he kept slipping  sideways on the car seat and I kept pushing him back. And his eyes kept closing.

 When we got back to the home, in the dusk, I made him drink 3 sips of Innocent strawberry smoothie - but he just wanted to lie down.  I had to get the carer to help me hoik him up out of the car and he could only just stand and take 3 wobbly steps to the wheelchair.

He had four carers and me getting him into bed and trying to understand what he was saying about moving his left hand up or down.... and the pillow between his knees, further left or right, and in the end it was just me and him but he still wasn't comfortable and he couldn't make me understand and I was at a loss what to do. And I felt so frustrated and I didn't know whether to just give up and leave him as he was. 

In the end I think I moved his left hand where he wanted it, just over the duvet, and he said  It's fine  and I love you and have a wonderful life.

And I kissed him and said I love you too and I'm bringing your sister to see you  tomorrow.  And I'll see you tomorrow. 

But I was already at the door.

But now it's today and it's too late because I didn't see him again. Living and breathing his shallow breaths. And I didn't say goodbye properly.  And when I arrived this morning, after the phone call I've  been dreading, his arm was still warm where I  held it under the duvet and I wanted him to open his eyes, and I couldn't believe he wouldn't. 

 I whispered good-bye in his white white ear but he didn't hear me. Or maybe he did..

A dear friend texted me later and said, 

It feels like a magnificent beautiful  firework just burst into heaven.

I think he did just that.

 But he has left me behind. In the shadow of his spark.