Limbo Endings

The estuary at Plymstock on Sunday.

This is such a strange time....I'm at a loss really to make any sense of it. It's  a time of so many endings but nothing is over. A sort of limbo end. I find myself in tears putting away last night's pasta bowl in the china cupboard....seeing a tall stack of 12 large white dinner plates.....belonging to another life..... did we ever really entertain that much?  I won't need them in my life now.

Every day I see another change in Robin. On our afternoon  drive I pull in to the Sainsbury's car park outside Dawlish. Reluctantly he agrees to a few sips of mango smoothie. He says yes to two tiny Mars Bars Squares. But it takes him about 10 minutes to chew and swallow them. Yesterday he had 4 squares and it only took about 5 minutes. 

He's been recommended to only have pureed food now so I shouldn't really give them to him- even though they are soft. Another ending  - the end of Mars Bar Squares to try and get some calories in him.

He has lost 7 kilos in 3 weeks.

I notice his breathing is difficult when we arrive back at the home. I ask lovely nurse J to help him with the cough assist machine which he has been refusing to use. I notice that although he manages the deep(ish) breaths in and out he can hardly cough into the tube at all. All too much effort I think when your lungs are so compromised.

At home I fall asleep, briefly, in the bath. My stomach has been upset for days....I can't think what to eat so in the end I boil up King Edward potatoes and mash them with lots of olive oil and salt..... and feel soothed by their soft bland comfort.