I need a back door

 In the garden....

Diamond rain drops 

scooped up in water proof lupins.

The camellia bush still flowing like a  giant wedding bouquet....

 feathery 

weeping willow fronds hanging over the bench, are just beginning to turn yellowy lime green ....

the bank of the stream dotted every where with primroses ...

 twigs and  debris caught in the little rushing waterfall... 

some of the old junk I've uncovered in the garden   - collecting it to go to the dump when I have enough .....

the boggy part of the garden...bordered with bamboo...

hyacinths /bluebells coming up round a fallen tree which my gardener cut into logs ...

I read this today in a Tara Mohr post - When You Don't Know What to Do. She is a motivational writer and teacher.

She quotes John Holt,

"The true test of intelligence isn't how much we know how to do, but how do we behave when we don't know what to do."

"What if our capability is determined not so much by what we know, what we've mastered, but what do we do in those critical moments when we DONT' KNOW what to do? How robust is my toolkit for these moments? How helpful are the actions I turn to? And what unhelpful things do I  do?

To be human is to again and again and again not know. And what we do from there makes all the difference."

It makes me think about how I get paralysed with indecision, when I don't know what to do.

And the helpful things I do are -  talk to someone, 

talk to myself in a pep talk sort of way,

read something 

ask for more time

wait 

pray

write.

The unhelpful things I do are blame myself, 

not share it,

panic

cry.

All these things are made worse by my people -pleaser tendency - wanting to be liked and approved of even by people who don't know me.

This morning I ploughed though one of those don't know what to do moments. In the night I was thinking about a few of the things that I don't like about the house plans.....even though I've approved them. One is I won't have a back door and I've been persuaded I don't need one. I do need one. Even if it's at the front.

So when it was light I wrote down all my thoughts and rationale in an email to architect and Feng Shui consultant.... and got lovely responses back. Don't rush into anything...take some time...there could be options....we can wait.

Being willing to please myself sometimes and not someone else seems to be working.