Two feeding swans and some frolicking ducks swimming at the mouth of the Exe Estuary in Topsham last week.
Swans mate for life.
In my family constellation session this morning I try and imagine what my life's purpose could be now that my last role of carer and wife is over.
I choose an empty shell to represent it.
It's striped with brown zebra lines on the outside.
Some of them are irregular, jagged like the pulse on a hospital monitor measuring your heart beat.
The top of the shell is missing.
So I can peer inside its depths.
And I see a spiral skeleton descending into its belly.
Like the twisting curve of a staircase
disappearing round a corner.
So it remains a mystery what my purpose could be...
except
if Robin hadn't died
I wouldn't have the chance
that I have now
to go within
myself
and take a look.
I wonder if he knew that going before me
was his greatest gift.
But I'm at a loss what to do with it.
I've always looked after someone else.
To look after myself
exclusively
doesn't feel right....
But you don't have to be bereaved to lose your life's meaning.
Today I met up with some dear friends who we knew in our St Albans years. They are both retired now but still with time and energy and resources available to them they are also asking that question,
What now?
What am I for?
How can I serve?
Indeed yes - it's a dilemma a lot of us in our 60s have! But yours is made much more difficult. Hope you keep us posted. Bx
ReplyDeleteThanks Belinda.....and I think I would probably have the same issues whatever my situation. Robin always wanted to travel when he retired so I would have gone with him....but it's not really my heart's desire......still on the look out for that! X
DeleteNot only do I love your blog I also love the way our lives overlap in tiny ways. My parents live at Budleigh Salterton where you often walk. I think I know the people (not well but I have met them) at your family constellation place, we used to live a couple of miles away from there if it is where I think it is. Our ex lodger once sat in as an extra at a workshop (I can't remember the technical terms) ..I wondered at the time if you were there that day.
ReplyDeleteThanks Nina - I love it too - our overlapping.... I remember you mentioned your parents lived in Budleigh and I've often wondered if we've passed each other on the beach unawares! And fancy you knowing Sarasi...she lives on a farm near Dunsford. I know what you mean about being an assistant/supporter on one of her workshops. I haven't actually done one....I find the groups very intensive and emotional....so I just have one to one sessions with her at the moment.
ReplyDeleteHope the gardening is going well. X