Discombobulated

Walking the shoreline in Exmouth this afternoon.

I didn't really want to be there. I didn't know where I wanted to be. But I didn't want to do my to-do list. And I didn't want to waste the sunshine. Or do any more gardening as I over-extended myself yesterday with my gardening friend chopping up buddleia branches and triffid rose stems.

 I've been unsettled, discombobulated ever since the clocks went back. Only an hour's difference from yesterday but ..... I wake up feeling drugged.....as if the day is nearly over......I'm hungry at 4 o'clock but it's too early for supper.....the sun going down too soon....I feel panicky about time running out.....my energy running out before I'm ready....before I've done everything. Or nothing.

And then I tell myself it's just change. And I'll get used to it.  Till it changes again.

I read this poem by William Wordsworth today.

Ode: Intimations of Immortality

What though the radiance which was once so bright

Be now forever taken from my sight,

Though nothing can bring back the hour

Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower,

We will grieve not, rather find

Strength in what remains behind.

I wonder if it's a strength or a weakness to look for consolation ....to mask the grief.

Tonight I consoled myself with supper.... roasting potatoes in olive oil....steaming broccoli with garlic.... and grating Parmesan cheese into my herby omelette.

And I remembered a quote from Tips from Widows ...

Someone commented to a widow that time heals.

No it doesn't, she said. But time helps you cope better.

Some days better than others....