Halloween and Blots on the Landscape

On Saturday in Plymouth

 Little  fingers scooping out the innards of a pumpkin....

my sweet great-niece getting stuck in with gusto....

with hat of witch.... 

making a not-so-scary 

monster face 

for Halloween.

She is scarily good at cutting things up with a knife and scissors...

making spiders out of plums, raisins, and goji berries...frogs out of kiwis and strawberries, and witches fingers out of carrots and peppers - recipes provided by her creative grandma.

Her pumpkin face found pride of place on her chest of drawers in her bedroom next to the ceramic dog Robin gave her.....one of his own weird and wonderful creatures.

She remembers him for the moment. Which touches me immensely.

Today

I had time to complete some fiddly small tasks that have been annoying me....because I don't want to do them....taking up more mind space than they warrant...... but every time I see them they blot my landscape.

I. Cleaning out the gunk in the split plastic seal of the freezer door with a small flexible brush. Maybe I should get a new freezer but I can't face it.

2. Unpicking the label inside the collar of a cardi from M&S which scratches my neck. A job you can't do in a hurry  - one slip of the nail scissors on the tight stitches and you have a hole in your knitwear.   Which always gets bigger over time.

3. Filling out a PPI complaint form. Robin took out a loan in 2006 ....I've been putting it off. I took it to the bank to get advice about some of the questions. Waiting in the long queue finally paid off. Lovely bank manager made it easy. She even sent it off for me. Although I doubt we'll get anything back.

4. Looking up on Google how to read my new smart metre for the gas and electricity so I can send off a reading even though I was told I wouldn't need to any more. Talking to very helpful man on the phone who sorts it out and makes me laugh.

5. Scraping off the sticky paper labels on 6 honey and jam jars which have been stacking up on the counter by the sink because I hate doing it. It was always Robin's job - he had much more patience than me. It was part of the washing up he did every day. Till he couldn't hold a brush in his right hand.

Getting through some of the blots.....so satisfying....trying not to notice all the others that have surfaced. Remembering I have time.... even though  the sun goes down in what used to be the afternoon....

The new Buddha that I brought back from Hong Kong. He sits on my kitchen window sill... a tiny round and shining ceramic....always laughing.... always offering a gift.....reminding me there is always another way to look at my landscape.....

Discombobulated

Walking the shoreline in Exmouth this afternoon.

I didn't really want to be there. I didn't know where I wanted to be. But I didn't want to do my to-do list. And I didn't want to waste the sunshine. Or do any more gardening as I over-extended myself yesterday with my gardening friend chopping up buddleia branches and triffid rose stems.

 I've been unsettled, discombobulated ever since the clocks went back. Only an hour's difference from yesterday but ..... I wake up feeling drugged.....as if the day is nearly over......I'm hungry at 4 o'clock but it's too early for supper.....the sun going down too soon....I feel panicky about time running out.....my energy running out before I'm ready....before I've done everything. Or nothing.

And then I tell myself it's just change. And I'll get used to it.  Till it changes again.

I read this poem by William Wordsworth today.

Ode: Intimations of Immortality

What though the radiance which was once so bright

Be now forever taken from my sight,

Though nothing can bring back the hour

Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower,

We will grieve not, rather find

Strength in what remains behind.

I wonder if it's a strength or a weakness to look for consolation ....to mask the grief.

Tonight I consoled myself with supper.... roasting potatoes in olive oil....steaming broccoli with garlic.... and grating Parmesan cheese into my herby omelette.

And I remembered a quote from Tips from Widows ...

Someone commented to a widow that time heals.

No it doesn't, she said. But time helps you cope better.

Some days better than others....

You don't have to be bereaved...

Two  feeding swans and some frolicking ducks swimming at the mouth of the Exe Estuary in Topsham last week.

Swans mate for life.

In my family constellation session this morning I try and imagine what my life's purpose could be now that my last role of carer and wife is over.

I choose an empty shell to represent it.

 It's striped with brown zebra lines on the outside. 

Some of them are irregular, jagged like the pulse on a hospital monitor measuring your heart beat. 

The top of the shell is missing.

So I can peer inside its depths.

And I see a spiral skeleton descending into its belly.

Like the twisting curve of a staircase

disappearing round a corner.

So it remains a mystery what my purpose could be...

except 

if Robin hadn't died 

I wouldn't have the chance 

that I have now

to go within 

myself 

and take a look.

I wonder if he knew that going before me

was his greatest gift.

But I'm at a loss what to do with it.

I've always  looked after someone else. 

To look after myself 

exclusively

doesn't feel right....

But you don't have to be bereaved to lose your life's meaning.

Today I met up with some dear friends who we knew in  our St Albans years. They are both retired now but still with time and energy and resources available to them they are also asking that question,

 What now?

What am I for?

How can I serve?

Joy

I walk in the University Parks this afternoon.

Trees are poems that the earth writes upon the sky.

  - Kahlil Gibran -

And their lost leaves

drifting on

still waters

are paints 

for the 

artist's canvas.

Ducks  are simply

a joy.

Lesson 42 in Julia Cameron's " Life Lessons". 

Name 5 things that give you joy. Choose one and focus on it. Say to yourself,

 "This world is bountiful."

"This world is beautiful".

"This world is abundant.......

"This world is blessed".  

These are my five today.

1. Hello hugs from dear friends in the fug of a warm cafe.

2.The perfume of still summer in a bunch of fresh basil leaves I bought in the organic farmers' market.

3.The luxury of time and warmth to take photos in the park....especially the ducks....and this squirrel.

4. Pulling the curtains against the night..... the hours of the day all used up....only me and supper and what to read/watch/write to look forward to.... till I'm all used up with tiredness too.

5. Loving words in an email.

Reminding me how blessed I am and that

All is well and all manner of things shall be well.