The Whole of Me

On Dartmoor a few weeks ago.

I'm feeling a bit dazed and stunned after today. A moth caught in the headlights.  My space all invaded and  upside down. Everything out of its place and in other unfamiliar places. I don't know where to keep my keys anymore.

The Angels came - one drove Robin off and the other de- constructed the hornets' nest of wires under his desk and brought all the bits of Robin's computer downstairs and set it up in a corner of the room.

I made up the hospital bed.

When Robin came back he said no, he didn't want to get in the new bed. He wanted to go upstairs to bed. I explained why he couldn't and in the end we got him in but he can't press the buttons to make the bed go up and down so I will have to do that. And he can't get the duvet over himself so I will have to do that. But at least the bed gets him into a sitting position so no more hauling him up.

Afterwards he said it wasn't as bad as he expected. Which I consider a result. I tried to make lunch in the kitchen as quietly as possible. Even with the dining room doors closed he could hear me but didn't complain. Don't know what to do about making the breakfast smoothie in the morning without waking him up. I could do it at night but too knackered now.

He did play on the computer this evening after supper. And played his favourite music - a recording of his niece singing Away In a Manger which he loves. Although his left hand is getting worse and he can't fill in the password so I have to do that. If he can get his hand up onto the desk he can use the mouse. Sometimes he can and sometimes he can't.

Now I want to go to sleep but I need to wait up for him to finish watching Family Guy so I can get him into bed by midnight. I just hope he sleeps through the night. Unlike last night. Which is why I'm so tired now.

I know there is a way to do this without trying to rescue Robin. By letting him go. By letting him feel bored and scared and lonely - which he is anyway. Just be kind without thinking I must mend his broken heart. Like I tried to mend my mother's broken heart.

 And step back into mothering myself, taking care of the scared and lonely parts of  me......which after all are not the whole of me.

But the whole of me needs to sleep now.