After breakdown comes breakthrough as they say in the Landmark Forum.
In spite of all last night's sogginess I remembered to ask for help. It came early this morning in the form of an angel on my front doorstep - a dear friend who I'd asked to be with me when the hospital bed was delivered. What he helped me to see is that real breakdown happens when there is a conflict between two cherished beliefs/stories.
My two beliefs are -
1. I need to look after Robin(everyone), never abandon them in the way that I thought my father abandoned us ( he didn't). Complicated by the fact that I'm still somehow trying to get my father's approval ( which I had anyway).
2. And that I want to fly.
Longing for the second only causes resentment and rage. The first is so powerful it's like an identity so to give it up would be life threatening.
Also I realised that what was really loosening through all the crying last night was the tight hold I have on myself about trying to be superwoman carer and it is perfectly normal to be a bit of a mess in a horribly messy situation.
And it is hell for both of us. Harder for Robin to do anything about it though. So the respite I'm having in a few week's time is giving him a break from seeing me worn out and stressed which he thinks is his fault anyway. So a gift for both of us.
Thank you, doorstep angel.
The hospital bed didn't arrive till much later. It doesn't dominate the room as much as I thought it would. The mattress smells a bit plasticy /rubbery though. Robin is impressed with the up and down mechanisms but doesn't want to try it out. I'm not pushing it. It's here now. For when the time comes.
I'm so grateful to our amazing NHS. I made a cup of tea for the two men who delivered the bed. They both comment on the portrait of Robin painted by his lovely Age UK carer, Rachel Jamieson, they notice his model of the Egyptian dog god, Anubis, on the mantlepiece and one of them says he likes the beautiful spalted beech bowl on top of the bookcase - a birthday present for me from the family. It turns out he's a wood turner in his spare time and his uncle in Birmingham has a factory that made all the wooden place mats for the Olympics....
You just don't know about peoples's lives. Earlier I discovered my lovely young cleaner has a disabled son who now lives with his father and what she had to go through - all the guilt - to let him go. She tells me not to feel guilty about wanting a break.
Later when Robin is having his eye test at Boots the optician slips different lenses into the heavy metal spectacle frames sitting on his nose
Which is better - this lens or this one?
Robin says,
They are both crap.
The optician and I both start giggling....he stops before I do. Then we start again when he asks Robin to follow the movement of a pen in his hand. He says, That's very good and Robin says,
Well that's not the most difficult thing you have ever asked me to do.
Not sure why we find it funny. But that's the thing about Robin now - he can't help making people smile. Even me - when I'm not too busy trying to be superwoman carer.
Remembrance poppies for all those who died in the Battle of the Somme 100 years ago today.
No comments:
Post a Comment