Day Three - Running Free and Wild

I was electrified, watching this herd of wild horses at the Combe estate last night, running and chasing, kicking up  dust, nipping each other, playing or challenging, following  the instinctive rules in the hierarchy of their horse world. Running free and wild within the cradle of that boundary.

Today I made jam.  From gooseberries and strawberries and black currants that I found in the freezer. Picked last summer from the allotment. The end of that now.

I bought sweet scented stocks from Waitrose and lots of other delicious things I didn't need. And felt guilty for a while about spending too much money on treats for me.

For some of the day I felt sick with guilt about changing an arrangement to see Robin this morning. Another dear friend took him out instead and I will visit him tomorrow. But I couldn't get his face out of my head when I told him the change of plan.

No, I want to go out with you,  he said , all crumpled.

It felt like a betrayal. I did talk myself out of it but it shaded my day.

 I also had the follow up letter from the consultant neurologist we saw last week which threw me back into the whole question of Robin's capacity. Later I had a very helpful conversation with our archangel M about it. But it leaves me daunted and burdened. I see how there is no escape from any of it - respite or no respite.

The lovely carer who took Robin out this afternoon  texted me and said he was fine and was enjoying the five star hotel. I spoke to him twice on the phone and he sounded like himself, his voice more slurred maybe, but he said he wasn't too bad.

I notice what a powerful hold guilt has on me. Even though I know all the theory about it, and how it's a waste of time and it's only hurting me but it just plugs into a belief  that I've done something wrong somehow and I just find ways to prove that's the case.

Even so, for a while today I did relish my sweet freedom..... and sat outside in the garden for a long time, the evening sun still warm, with a cup of tea and a new book to escape into. My version of running free and wild in the circle of my respite boundary.