Not Free But Tasting Freedom

At the weekend - my last two days of respite, I sat in stunning gardens....in flower gardens and vegetable gardens and gardens with amazing views. I was invited for supper.... for lunch..... in the company of delicious friends....surrounded by beauty and kindness and bounty and abundance. 

And I let myself breathe into the clear space around me knowing Robin was safe and looked after. Even knowing he was bored and restless I still clung to my unencumbered hours - stretching them long into the night, staying up too late...putting myself back in the middle of me....for one last time.

And now it's over....I didn't sleep as much as I thought I would, I didn't cry too much, I didn't watch a lot of TV..... I didn't go for long walks or start yoga again.

 I  had a massage and a haircut and bought new glasses and went to the chiropodist and painted my toenails red. I hand washed winter jumpers. I made gooseberry fool and lavender shortbread and lemon polenta drizzle cake ( cooked twice) to share.

 Sometimes I felt blessed and grateful and sometimes I felt scared and lonely.

I tried to imagine if this is what it would be like to be really alone. To live alone. But it's not something you can practice when your whole life is still consumed by another.

I brought Robin home today but first we drove through our beautiful Devon county side, rolling itself up in the harvest of summer.  He slept a long time ....I made him a big salad lunch and chopped nectarines and my sister's strawberries into a bowl of  natural yogurt for his dessert....we drove to Sidmouth for his hands-on healing session with our lovely intuitive friend .....I immediately fell asleep  in the chair while she worked her magic on him.

Afterwards we sat on a windy bench by the sea and shared a tub of chocolate ice-cream - me feeding him with a plastic spoon. I couldn't help remembering years ago  bringing his mother here and helping her to eat a melting strawberry ice cream on the same bench.

Back home he slept again while I made supper -  a mess of  tomatoes, garlic, courgettes and  pattipan squash with grilled halloumi cheese and salsa verde.

  I kept asking myself, 

Is this easier now that I've had a break? Am I more patient, more resilient? Can I bear it now?

I'm not sure. I'm knackered now like I always am by this time of night. 

But  even so I loved my week, not free but tasting freedom..... a will o' the whisp glimpse into the future still knowing there is a long boggy road ahead. So it's back to one small step at a time.....which often means chopping an onion to start making supper.