Reading The Signs

Sheep keeping cool in the shade at Killerton House this afternoon,

when it suddenly felt like summer. Sheep sleeping in the shade always remind me of  our holidays in Greece....

Robin has been more tired than usual today. He came home early from his outing with lovely Age UK enabler.  So I didn't insist on even a tiny walk in the hot bright gardens at Killerton. We drank apple juice in the shade instead.

Later at the hospital, Prof H said Robin still didn't need to have a breathing mask at night and unless his swallowing got worse in the next few months, he didn't need to consider the PEG feeding tube. Which is a great relief. The advice is to have it fitted even before you need it as it may be more risky to do it later on. But we aren't there yet. 

Robin says he doesn't want it anyway. Which is a choice. So long as he knows exactly what it means if he doesn't have it. I'm not sure if he does. I'm learning that there isn't really an acute phase of this disease and I'm steering my way through being prepared for the worst but not jumping the gun and missing the moment now. 

Always listening to him but sometimes overriding him....never really knowing what the best thing is to do. Bumbling on... checking out the theory.... but always reading the signs in the real person in front of my face...lettuce isn't mashable but he never chokes on it....

 This morning my lovely family constellations counsellor said she thought I was stronger after my mini breakdown. But not strong in the way my pioneering ancestors were - forging ahead at any cost. I do have that never give in, never give up gene. But not if the cost is destroying my self in the process - in the name of service.

Today I had a glimpse of being able to care for Robin .......and honour and respect the way he's doing his journey and not sacrifice myself.....even care for myself by not trying to hold it all together all the time.

Like taking a nap in the shade when it's too hot to do anything else. And trust that help is always at hand... I just have to ask.