A Long Way From Being Cool

Tired and grumpy now....I know it's not Robin's fault - any of it  - but taking him to pee for what seems like the twentieth time today - when I'm in the middle of doing something else - has brought me to my knees.

Wanting something so much and not being able to have it is the killer.....you either have to give up wanting it .... or somehow find a way to be cool about it if you have it or not.  I suppose that is the way of non -attachment.

This afternoon I want to watch the men's semi finals. I want to watch both matches - one with Roger Federer playing and the second one with Andy Murray playing. It could take a long time - even into the evening.

The problem is that Robin's visitor who was going to take him out this afternoon is ill and so can 't come. Normally I would just put off my plans and take him out. But now I am attached to watching the tennis so when Robin says he wants to go for a drive I say sorry you will have to do other things - like go for a walk, play games on the computer, have a sleep.

But it is a very long time for him and in the end I just feel mean....and find a compromise. When the first match is over ( Federer loses) after  nearly 3 hours we get in the car and speed off to Killerton and drive round the country lanes for half an hour which seems to satisfy him. And I find I've stopped minding so much about missing every single serve and return.

When we get back I find I can take it or leave it, especially when I can see Andy Murray is going to win,  and watch the rest of the game with half an eye, doing emails at the same time while Robin plays on the computer.

I suppose the test of whether it's resignation or non attachment is if you don't feel any resentment or disappointment about it. Or in my case just too knackered to care  - and probably still some resentment hanging around .....but not only about the tennis.

Much later I try and watch Masterchef at the same time as making supper and feeding Robin and cooking green beans and tomatoes for our visitors on Sunday. The beans get burnt. And Robin's nose needs blowing again and again. 

Tonight I'm a long way from being cool about anything....oh and that's him calling me to help him  have a pee....

This rose is on the same bush as the one at the beginning... a bit older...peach fading to pink...