Day Five The Purse, Computer Games and Trusting

I'm at the till in Lakeland buying a box of latex rubber gloves. 

Except I can't find my purse. I rummage in all the pockets of my big wide open handbag.

I know it's not there by the weight of it.  My purse  weighs  more than the whole handbag. Rising panic. What was the last thing I paid for? Which shop was I in? Has it been stolen? I never close the bag properly. I'm totally trusting .......like not remembering to lock the back door.. The thought of having to cancel all my cards....doesn't matter about the cash...makes me sweat.

I leave the  latex gloves on the counter and re-trace my steps. I bought a tin of dark brown shoe polish in Timpson's but why would I leave my purse there?

Did I leave my purse here? I ask the man behind the counter in Timpson's.

Is this it? he says, reaching up to a shelf at the back of the shop.

I could have kissed him.

Then I remember - I took my shoe off and gave it to him to match the colour and I must have put my purse down to put it back on as I was leaving.

I'm so glad it was me and not a thief....right to trust after all.

This afternoon while I'm  driving Robin to Sidmouth I ask him,

How are you?

He frowns.

It doesn't work for me being there.

What 's the problem?

The people are very nice.....it's wonderful going out with everyone ....but there's nothing to do otherwise.

I realise I made all sorts of assumptions about how it would be for him.  At home he plays games on the computer or sleeps. When we discussed his care plan at the assessment the manager said they could set up games like solitaire and chess for him on the computer there. I said he would need a mouse because he can't use a touch pad.

 When we arrive back I ask to see the manager. She's away for a few days. As is the nurse who's in charge of Robin.  Another nice nurse says she'll come and talk to me when she has done the medication rounds.

I take Robin to his room. Ask for someone to come and help him go to the loo. No-one comes. So I help him. I ring the bell and ask of someone to help him get into bed. The nice nurse comes and says she'll see what she can do about the computer but it's the weekend now and the handyman won't be back till Monday. She says someone will come to help Robin get undressed and into bed.

I sit with him and we play Wordsearch games - waiting. No-one comes.

I want to go to bed, he says.

I ring the bell again. And just when I think I will have to undress Robin a male carer arrives and so I leave them to it.

I'm tempted to feel bad about not making sure Robin had the computer set up. But I didn't and it's probably too late now. I'm learning to live with the uncomfortableness of letting him be bored and trusting he'll find a way to cope and not blaming myself for it.

Trusting it's all working out for the best, for the highest good of everyone even when it doesn't fit my pictures....trusting and letting go...like I do about not locking the back door and not closing my handbag.....and that I am totally loved and protected whatever happens....