Foxgloves, Massage and Cake

Foxgloves at Rosemoor- for my Uncle David who once told me they were his favourite flower so their sweetness always reminds me of him.

This  morning I take all my muddle and overwhelm to my family constellation counsellor and cry it out in the safe space of  her attic room. We can hear  the sheep in the fields outside calling to each other oblivious to the fact that soon their babies will be taken from them.

The lovely S says that my situation reminds her of being a new mother when everything is chaotic with nappies and puking and crying and sleeping and feeding endlessly and not a moment alone any more and having to learn how to co-ordinate it all. And how do you look after yourself when you have this tiny new life to look after - totally dependent on you? And still remember to pay the car tax and find a way to get your hair cut?

So the parallel for me is that I'm having to learn new skills all the time to care for Robin as well as continuing my old life  - like getting an MOT for the car - as well as looking after myself so I don't go under. Which is why I have all this wonderful support. But I notice that much stronger than anything is my old habit of getting totally lost in trying to satisfy the needs of 'the other' and losing myself in the process. 

Which is why I was shocked by how much my body hurt - every single bit of it  - when the lovely S gave me a massage - because I've got so used to ignoring it I don't even notice where the pain is - maybe fleetingly when I try and move the patio pots around - but not enough to stop me. Which is why I've committed to having a massage once a month - come what may.

This afternoon we had a visit from the manager of a very nice care home to assess Robin and his needs with a view to him going there for a few days, or  even a week, sometime in the future to give me some respite. There is a young people's unit there for people with  MND and similar conditions. Only 15 beds though and of course they are all full. She said they would be very happy to have Robin and to stay in touch as you never know....

After she left I spent nearly 2 hours finishing off filling in the monstrous PIP form including taking a photocopy of all 40 pages for my records, while Robin waited patiently, and then not so patiently, for me to finish so we could go for a drive. Which we did in the end through very wet and  green lanes to Tiverton.

 Yesterday we had a long, but very helpful, meeting with a lovely woman ( who has helped us in the past with the Tribunal to appeal for Robin's Employment Support Allowance ) at the Citizens Advice Bureau to get more advice about the details of filling in the PIP form. Robin sat all the way through it not understanding a word but not complaining either. 

Afterwards we had tea, and for me, a very disappointing lemon tart in Coffee One to make up for it.  Robin enjoyed his piece of iced carrot cake even though he's not supposed to have anything with nuts in it. Almost impossible to dissuade him once he has set his heart on something - especially a cake.

Robin in the foxgloves and un-opened roses at Rosemoor Gardens - waiting for me to finish taking photos. It always used to be me waiting for him to finish something or other in his office- usually a report  - and now it's the other way around.