What does it come down to?

More misty river walk.

There are seven large black plastic bin bags squatting on the carpet in the bedroom bay window. 

 And six suit hangers over the back of the chair.  My sister comes to hold my hand while I empty Robin's wardrobe and chest of drawers. All going to the charity shop on Friday. 

Except three of his jumpers. Sloppy Joes on me.  To slop around the house. They are warmer than mine. And there's a shoe box of some of his things I'm not ready to let go of just yet. I  have to do this in stages. The clothes are easy.

We make a start in his office. All his painting stuff, and his ornaments which can also go to charity or the local school. When we get to his papers and his personal writings and notes and cards I find I need to sit on the floor,  lean against the filing cabinet and breathe for a while. All a bit overwhelming.  A dear friend who I've known for 40 years calls at that moment and my sister says it's time to stop.

I grill out of season asparagus and defrost a chunky vegetable soup for lunch. Then I have a session with lovely cranial chiropractor who unwinds the knots in my right shoulder and hip and leg and reassures me it isn't arthritis or sciatica which I feared. Just strained muscles. With a prescription of daily exercises. Which I have to remember to do.

I've been thinking  What if I lived my life as if I might die soon? What does it come down to? What matters to me?

Robin didn't have the choice I have now.

One thing I'm sure of is that I don't want anyone to have to deal with all my belongings, all those old journals and photo albums and clothes and all those drawers and cupboards full of stuff. If I don't need them when I die why do I need them now? I don't want someone else to have to make decisions about them when I'm gone.

So it's not just Robin's life I need to sift through and pare down and try and decide what of the man is left. What things represent him, honour him....what do I want to keep of him? For me and for other people.

It's what what do I want to keep of me?

The moon last night.