It's not fair.

Early morning money meeting with our financial advisor. Heart bursting with gratitude for Robin and the depth of his generosity.

Big chunky spicy soup,  sumptuous egg, broccoli and green bean salad, roast red onions and purple sweet potatoes, velvet chocolate avocado mousse - lunch for three. Gorgeous nourishment.

Late afternoon a feather soft foot massage at the Hospicecare centre with sweet therapist. She gave Robin a hand massage 2 days before he died. I lie on the table looking up at the sky darkening through the Velux window, the music - haunting, instrumental -  fills the space. Memories flooding,  loss leaking out of me. 

I didn't think that grieving would be so much about forgiveness. I'm coming up against it all the time. It's just that I have all this life to live ....the chance to make amends....  to be careless even.... I have another tomorrow. 

And he doesn't. It's not fair. I know it's what children say...but I'm in the realms of beyond reason and rationality. I know I have to make it right for myself but this ache in my side of it's too late now for him is blinding me. I just keep hearing him saying he didn't want to die. Not yet anyway. And it's just cutting me up.