Drilling

In the winter garden this afternoon.  Incredibly mild. Everything bitten by last week's frost, dying off, going to seed, going to earth, gestating.

I cut back the dead geraniums and slimy begonias. Sweep up the carpet of leaves from the apple tree. When my back starts to ache I stop straight away instead of pushing on through as I usually do.....just  doing one more task which leads to another and another.

 So now I'm listening to the wise and gentle advice I'm getting more and more.

Time to put yourself first....make YOU the priority......rest....say no.....your nervous system is shot.....you've been on long time alert... death of the person closest to you is a trauma.....eat soup and be in nature..... stay close to the earth.... stay warm.....don't try and fix anything......feel everything - the rawness..... howl.....get a massage......get your nails done.

 Tonight I put orchids round the bath, and light candles. I pour perfumed epsom salts into hot hot water.....and drill down and down into the depths of that rawness.....till I'm scourged out.... wept dry.

Then I make an omelette, steam long stemmed broccoli, and eat it slowly, sitting on the sofa watching Professional Master Chef. Wrapped up in the soft depths of Robin's old dressing gown.