The River Underground

Not just the state of the world but the state of me....

If my heart is filled with anxiety ...I will get sick...and not be able to help myself...or anyone one else.

 The weight of grief in my heart is a kind of sickness...not as visible as anxiety....I have that too...but mostly I can talk myself out of it. Or rather when someone has listened to me I can remember the bigger picture.

 But the grief is a constant underground river sometimes breaking its banks when I'm not paying attention.

This morning, taking a coffee break from painting walls with my young friend  who is Japanese  - or at least defines himself as 70 percent influenced by Japanese culture -  sitting at the kitchen table we are talking about relationships and the world and beliefs -  his and mine - and  suddenly I find my voice full of tears. And I find myself reassuring him - our conversation is not the cause of them.

I don't say  much  - he knew Robin briefly....he has had his own losses ...and he doesn't say much either but is just very sweet and listens and after a while I wash the coffee cups and we go back to painting walls.

 And the river settles back underground, calmer for the moment.