Conjuring up...

After rain in the garden this evening...

This morning I am back at the Apple Shop - this time to sort out storage on my iPhone.

While I  wait for the doors to open I watch two men in the basket of a crane hang these open umbrellas from the domed glass ceiling of the Princesshay Arcade..lines of bright mushrooms in the sky.

I walk back through a quiet Northernhay Gardens,  with a heavy basket of shopping from

the Real Food Store - eggs and tahini, soap, spring greens and celery,

and loving these huge saucer sized roses in full bloom all along the path.

This afternoon I receive the first  3D sketches of the house from my architect. It's very exciting to "walk" through the new rooms imposed on the old ones on the computer screen...and already I can see things I want to change, lots of questions to ask, but will need to do the "walk" many times to get my head round it all...and try and imagine myself in the new space which won't just be line drawings of empty cupboards and bare walls and chairs you can't sit on.

This evening  after my session with lovely therapist, I want strong flavours in my supper - pungent garlic, turmeric and Greek basil.

They keep me tethered to the ground....help to keep at bay the panicking fear which I wake up with this morning... which takes me out of my body...makes me want to run away...to hide from my forever alone future... which feels overwhelming and terrifying.

New shock on top of old shock...reverberating through my cells...like electricity that I can't see. 

And tonight standing at the sink, washing up forks and bowls and  pans I find I can conjure up Robin - all of him - every cell of him ....as if he was standing right behind me...like he used to ....and I could lean into him....  lean against his chest and rest a while there.

And because he is so so real..and I can conjure our life too...it's as if I turn around it will all be like it was....and this now... this me... this strange kitchen will be the mistake...that never happened.

That Robin didn't die...that he's just in the next room playing games on the computer and when I've finished the washing up I'll make us a cup of tea and then....

But he did die. 

And I can't seem to conjure up my real life now without him.