Today - Liking it and not liking it

Last images of Portugal...the pool at dawn on the morning I left....

I miss the constant  music of the waves ...

every meal we had was perfect in its own way - sometimes something with a simple lettuce and tomato salad or this more elaborate one - in a restaurant that had a big selection of vegan dishes...

more early hours of the morning.... when I couldn't sleep - a  quarter moon and one bright star.

Today

Time has run away from me....all that means is that I chose to do some things and not others and now the day is over.... full of done and undone things.

I'm trying to think of it as all good - not good and bad - not highlights and lowlights ...rather an ebb and flow...noticing my judging tendency...my comparing tendency...my leaning towards being disappointed...wanting it to be different, more, better.

So these are some things about my day ...I liked some of them and I didn't like some of them.

 I don't have to like everything, or think I need to change it ...or try and like what I don't. Eg being sad, being lonely, being overwhelmed, being bereft, being old, being a widow.

 Why would I like what hurts?

At least when I say the truth of it without the shame of "but you shouldn't feel that" then it feels clean and lets in the light of kindness to myself. Then I remember about love...and what that feels like.

So this was the love in my day.

Having conversations...

 with the stall holders in the farmers' market while I shop..

with the baker who goes surfing in the Algarve -  I buy a loaf of spelt bread from him....

 with the deli man  - who supplied the food for Robin's funeral...he wants me to buy one of his famous chocolate brownies but I buy a vegetable samosa instead...

with the vegetable man  - who tells me about  all the different varieties of kale he grows ...I buy three of them and a paper bag of chestnut mushrooms and one of fresh turmeric root...  

with the assistant in Marks and Spencer's -  who is patient and persistent, trying to order me a pair of jeans on the computer...she can't find my details because I've changed address - even though I have already informed the store ages ago...she makes it easier for me not to be so impatient and cross about nothing being in my size hanging on the racks of clothes...  

with my neighbour  - about the beautiful magnolia tree in her garden in full deep pink bloom, and my  beautiful magnolia tree that I brought with me in a pot which has few leaves and fewer blooms...but when I have found the best spot for it in the garden I'm trusting it will thrive like hers....

with a dear friend tonight  - who I've known even longer than I've known Robin...

and we talk about how it is for both of  us now... and about the temptation to remember the past as better than it actually was because the future can look bleak....and how it's good to concentrate on the  little joys of today instead....

so I tell her about the flash of yellow and green wings that I glimpse fluttering at  the bird feeder this evening ....I know it's a new bird  I haven't seen before...and how it makes me gasp with delight...and reach for my camera ...but it's gone in another flash....and when I look it up in the bird book I'm not sure if its a green finch or a siskin....but I hope so much that it comes again.

And that it doesn't get fat finch disease ...or devoured by the sparrow hawk.

Liking it and not liking it today....letting in the truth of it all ....

being kind to myself.

And I like this Robert Holden quote I read today...

"Always communicate your love. Love is the most fun you can have with anyone."