Finally - I put on mascara and clothes and shoes.
I sweep the kitchen floor.
My sister drives me to the garden centre and carries the box of house plants to the car.
She pushes the trolley round Tesco's - I fill it with oranges, coconut yoghurt, kitchen paper and loo cleaner.
We sit in a friendly cafe and eat child-sized portions of pasta and tomato sauce and a bowl of fragrant herbed salads.
My nose runs a lot and I cough into tissues - but I'm walking and sitting and eating and talking like a normal person.
A normal person in a slight daze...I'm doing these things but sort of removed from them....I have shoes on but my feet are quite far away when I look down at them. Best not to do anything too fast.
Back home I have a lavender oil and salt bath and change the bed sheets. And I think about my father when he was ill at the end of his life and how grateful he was .... how much he appreciated every small thing we did for him - like bringing him little meals he enjoyed and changing his bed.
And now I know what it's like to say yes to help...I've had so much physical and practical and emotional support from everyone around me while I've been ill...I know exactly how my father felt....
and why he appreciated having clean sheets on his bed.
And I'm still learning that receiving is the other side of giving... it was one of my biggest learnings when Robin was ill...and I'm so grateful for it now.
I like Maya Angelou's saying,
When we give cheerfully and accept gratefully everyone is blessed.
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