....back into the river.

Today

I walk in the thunder of 

waves 

sucking the rattle of pebbles

into their jaws.

Lost to myself in

the white water of

 memories.

 Spooling movies

 in my head

of my husband. 

And then

my grandparents

my mother my father

my eight aunts

 and nine uncles

my two cousins

my friend

all gone.

This is not nostalgia

not living in the past

as if I am 

somehow diminished without their presence.

Instead it is

the way I

keep them alive

keep them with me.

Honour them

by remembering

the way I loved them 

and the kaleidoscope 

of their lives

meshing with mine.

They companion me 

while I still wade in the 

undertow

of this wretched mourning 

which hurls me 

again and again

back into

the river

where I stay a while

till it's time

to go home

for tea.