A Machine Breathing You

Bees. I love them. The greatest pollinators. In great danger. This one is Cornish.

I like the respiratory professor. We have seen him 3 times now. He doesn't pull any punches.  Or wrap us in cotton wool. Or mince his words. But then I did ask him outright. He's not fluffy about probable ways to die if you have MND. But he's kind as well. Not brutal.

After Robin's breathing tests - puffing into a machine through a tube - he says Robin is borderline ready now to use a breathing mask at night. Try it for a few nights. If he doesn't like it keep it for when  he does need it. And keep using the cough assist machine. And he doesn't recommend medication to reduce his excess saliva as Robin didn't have a good reaction to the travel sickness treatment.

He says the nurse will make an appointment for us to come back and show Robin how to use the breathing machine. Which we will take home. And start taking the next steps into this long hollow void.

When I ask him he says yes, Robin will continue to have more coughing/ breathing episodes. And yes, he will most probably need to use the breathing mask during the day if he gets more out of breath. And yes eventually he may need to use it all the time. In which case it becomes a bit like a life support machine when you are in hospital. Which is keeping you alive. A machine breathing you.  And then you have to decide about keeping it on or turning it off.

Afterwards we sit in the car, in the disabled parking space at the hospital, and I explain what the professor said. But Robin already understood. Although he says you can't predict it. When you are going to die. I agree. And I cry a little. And he says sorry. And I say sorry too.

Then we drive home. The long way round.