A Great Cave Of Tiredness

Sunset outside my study window tonight.

I buy too much in the organic farmers' market this morning....forgotten how to shop for one person.

So  at home I make a big soup  - bright orange squash, carrots and sweet potatoes, ginger, garlic, leeks, loads of spinach and coconut milk. And I roast squashy tomatoes with more garlic and basil leaves.

Although I'm on time this afternoon Robin is waiting for me again in the wheelchair at the front of the house. I have brought him a green smoothie and wide fat straw to drink it through.And some small chopped up squares of chocolate brownie from the market. He refuses the cake but drinks nearly all the smoothie after several stops on the way. 

We only have a short circular drive in the lanes round Kenn and Kenford  - small villages close to the home -  as Robin starts yawning and wants to go back.

In the room I cut his finger nails and brush away the horrid white coating on his tongue with this electric toothbrush. I ask the carers to do the same morning and evening. 

Lovely staff nurse J comes back after going to the hospital for training in how to use Robin's cough assist machine. I'm impressed.The room fills with carers and I demonstrate the machine to them. Robin co-operates but he just wants to go to bed. So I leave him under the covers with the window open and the wide flat bell by his hand.

 And I go and sit in the tiny office with nurse J and fill out more forms for Robin and tell her his diary of visitors for next week. He has me and someone else every day. 

We've never had anyone like you before, she says.

I have a bowl of my soup for supper watching the Great British Menu. But as soon as I sit down I want to fall asleep.....it's all catching up with me...all those long nights on call, always ready to get up to Robin......now I don't have to. Now there's just a great cave of tiredness in the place of that deep well of duty and care.