I came to a decision today....

I don't know what this gorgeous plant is ... taken in the gardens of A La Ronde near Exmouth on Sunday. It reminds me of hibiscus but the colour of morning glory.

I came to a decision today. For months I've been in a stew about what sort of care I need  for Robin and what sort of respite I need for me.

After 8 days of different carers coming in to get Robin up and washed and dressed every morning I  have cancelled the agreement. The relief is like emerging from a net of thick ropes which has been wound all around my common sense.

It hasn't worked on any level - although I kept trying to convince myself it would get better when I got used it.

Today a third person told me that the care agency I have been using has a bad reputation - especially how they treat their staff. Which clinched it and I made the phone call.

What I should thank them for is that it has helped me to get clear about what I do want. And that is someone looking after Robin - at home - for longer periods of the day and evening like our friend- carer has been doing recently. Not in the early morning and not at night or  staying the night, which I can manage - if I haven't been doing it all day.

So through my wonderful grapevine network, tomorrow someone is coming to meet us who may be able to stay for half a day from 2pm to7 pm on a Wednesday. And just be me all that time....so that I can get on.... and go out..... and not have to stop to blow a nose or wipe a bum or scratch an ear.

Or squeeze myself into tight corners of time to get everything done before Robin wakes up and needs me to be his right hand, his left hand ....his anchor....his tether to the world... as it slowly slips away from him. One shrinking nerve at a time.