The Light That Never Leaves

Some of last year's squashes - the ones on the allotment this year didn't grow this 

big..

This huge pumpkin at Barrington Court in Somerset on one of our National Trust days out.. I love the walled vegetable garden there....

and these Chinese ornamental psyallis also in the garden there -  like paper tangerines...

As I write tonight the perfume of my pumpkin soup is whispering up the stairs -  savoury curry spices, and coconut. My husband says he doesn't like soup - but I don't think he remembers this version I often make in the Autumn with any orangey fleshed squash, carrots and sweet potato, ginger and garlic  - blended velvety smooth with coconut milk - which I know he does enjoy.

Anyway he won't be eating this soup as I'm making it for tomorrow's lunch in Bristol when I'll be sitting with my sweet great nephew who is 2 years and 4 months old....... and who may or may not be sampling it....possibly too spicy -  although he has very eclectic culinary tastes.

Earlier today I stepped out of one of my old habits and changed the flavour of my morning which was turning sour.

The ingredients for curdling - feelings of overwhelm, headache, panic, weakness, inability to even turn on the computer, pick up the first piece of paper in my in-tray....a sort of admin paralysis.

The habit - ignore all feelings, berate myself, think I'm ridiculous, stupid and force myself to start on my  to do list.

The change - I let the tears come and voice of my very little girl who says over and over,

I don't want to do it....I don't want to do it.

Which I know has nothing to do with not wanting to write to the accountant about my tax form.

Then I wrap myself in the soft folds of a blanket, and sit on the sofa in a half lotus position - my right hip still doesn't want to bend -  and just breathe..... and wait..... and make a still, bright space inside me till it's time to unfurl again into Things To Do.

I'm surprised that I sit for more than an hour and in that time the rain stops and the sun filters through my eyelids...... and I feel more than see a deep orange light in front of me, luminous as a Chinese lantern with a flame inside.

I don't complete my list but it doesn't matter. It stops feeling scary to do the ordinary things of my life.....when I remember to call on that Light that never blows out, that never leaves me.