28th May 2012 Monday
I have received a form from Devon Carers - a Flexible Break Grant Application. It’s some money to spend on me - “ to enable you to switch off from your caring responsibilities by taking a short break from caring”.
I don’t know how to fill it in. Don’t think it applies to me yet. My husband doesn’t know where the Ukraine is or the name of the pub he walked to today with my brother-in-law - (the Turf Locks.) But he drove them both and was out of the house for at least five hours. That was a break for me. Knowing he was safe and happy and in good company, while I sat in the sunny garden of a dear friend and drank tea. Maybe my brother-in-law should have the grant.
I don’t think I ever switch off though. There is always a little red warning light pulsing in my inner field of vision - keeping watch, keeping me awake - just in case. I don’t think you can apply for compensation for that. You can’t take a short break from your own heart beat.
But sometimes when I lie still on the sitting room floor, like I did tonight, with my hand on my belly and feel it rise and fall, I can imagine a place of brightness instead - dimming the fear of that glowing red light - one soft breath at a time.
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